When I was younger, I liked nothing more than rifling through someone else’s copy of a magazine to find the pages that contained a quiz; one that would reveal, using the highly scientific method of “Mostly A, Mostly B or Mostly C”, your personality type. Without these quizzes, I would have absolutely no idea who I am today, whether I was ever going to be a red hot lover or whether baby-pink lipstick and polka dots would revolutionise my summer of 1995 (I’m still waiting on those results).
Well, to save you the bother of hunting down a copy of Cosmo, I’m going to provide each and every one of you with some sense of identity, a way to feel that you truly belong in what is a discombobulated and terrifying world, and all using that highly exact, tried and trusted methodology of “Mostly”. Get yourself can of Diet Coke, throw yourself across the pink bedspread of one of your bestest gal pals and break out the Hello Kitty pen and note pad. You’re about to take The PFPT Personality Quiz!
What do you keep in your handbag/manbag/incredibly large pockets?
A) Not much, I rely on other people to sort me out when I need tissues/painkillers/an umbrella.
B) A lobster.
C) Everything I could possibly need for any eventuality, including tissues, painkillers and a cattle prod.
When walking to or from your place of work, what do you wear on your feet?
A) Trainers, because they’re comfortable and I don’t care that I look like a complete pillock before I put on my attractive shoes that no-one will see because they’re under my desk.
B) Veronica Lake.
C) The shoes that compliment my outfit perfectly and the same ones I will wear all day. Preferably ones with a hidden weapon in the heel.
Your kitchen contains nothing but a jar of olives, half an out-of-date cherry yoghurt and a bottle of vodka. What do you do?
A) Go to the supermarket where I can push into the queue and then chat to the check-out assistant while I put my credit card, loyalty card and receipt into my wallet, my wallet into my bag and then ensure every single button, buckle, bell and whistle is in place before moving off.
B) The Foxtrot.
C) Make an Anythingtini.
A colleague at work takes credit for your stellar idea. How do you handle it?
A) Moan to everyone about it.
B) Bark like a seal.
C) Leave a poo in their desk drawer. Nothing like a bit of light hearted office japery to drill home your passive-aggression.
You need a new passport picture. You take every care to ensure that your hair and face look especially fine that day. How is the picture?
A) Great, thanks. Looks just like me and I’m happy to have it there for the next decade.
C) Like Myra Hindley’s face tattooed onto Gordon Ramsay’s scrotum.
Upon being given stupid advice that you didn’t ask for, how do you react?
A) By thanking the person and passing this advice on to other people who didn’t ask to be annoyed with fishwives tales.
C) Stabbing them in the neck with a biro, snapping it off so it shatters and can’t be retrieved. As is only reasonable.
Eating cheese before bed gives you nightmares, true or false?
A) True. I heard it from a friend on Facebook and I once had some cheese flavour crisps after 19:00 and I totally had the freakiest dream. Let me tell you all about it…
C) False, because science.
When you see that someone has brought a baby to the pub, you get the urge to:
A) Approach it making coo-ing noises until it cries for everyone to enjoy.
B) Approximately 17:30.
C) Return the favour by making a point to visit a crèche the following day where you will get very drunk and swear profusely.
You accidentally leave your phone at home. How does this affect you?
A) It doesn’t really, I can just catch up with people later, when I get home.
B) Bogeys taste of my nose.
C) Don’t be ridiculous. How on earth can you leave the house without your phone? Why would you even suggest such a thing?!
Someone sends you a text and ends it with “LOL”. What does this mean?
A) It means they have said something funny. I would never have known it was funny if they hadn’t written it and in fact, I may have thought that the light-hearted comment they made was actually rather hostile. Also takes the place of a full stop. See also leaving ‘x’s at the end of a sentence LOL xxx
C) That I need to delete this person from my phone and from my life. They are an abomination to all that is the English language. See also people who leave ‘x’s at the end of a sentence.
What are you allergic to?
A) Several things because they make me feel a bit funny after eating them and I don’t like the taste.
B) Michael Flatley.
C) Cretins who think they’re “allergic” to something that isn’t trying to kill them.
My skin colour is:
A) Orange because nothing says “sexy” like a freshly varnished book shelf. Plus, it distracts people from the fact I don’t know what a book shelf is.
B) Gangnam Style.
C) Skin colour with a hint of sleep deprivation.
Pictures of dying babies/people begging for pets/dead soldiers on Facebook are important because:
A) If you click ‘like’, it makes everything better and my friends love having images of death and disfigurement dumped into their timeline.
B) I once did a brown wee in my bed.
C) They help me figure out who to block when they share these pointless images of guilt-mongering.
Your main form of exercise is:
A) The gym, where I go to show everyone how fit and bendy I am, especially during the half hour I spend walking round the changing rooms with my giblets hanging out.
B) Hand lotion.
C) Rage and being perpetually late.
You answered mostly A? I’m amazed you managed to read through all the questions, because you are a cretin of the highest order and probably didn’t go to school, but learnt everything you know from the Jeremy Kyle show. It’s a wonder that you manage to eat your dinner without spooning the chicken nuggets into your ear. Well done for remembering to breathe though, that’s something you should consider putting on your CV, along with your astounding ability to annoy your fellow earthly inhabitants with an astonishing lack of social awareness. Don’t feel blue though, your kind is essential to the world – without you, how would everyone else realise how superior they are?
I think you may actually be answering the questions from a quiz in Mental Health Weekly. You may be a loose cannon, you may be mentally unstable, but hey, you sound like a lot of fun. Don’t let the fact that you’re clearly insane hold you back; you could consider a career in politics or as a children’s TV presenter. It might be a good idea to stop eating paint though.
just like me like a superior being of incredible taste, refinement and social skills. There’s nothing that phases you, and your sparkling wit and vast intellect mean that nothing is too much of a problem for you, save for the fact you share the planet with imbeciles. Life may throw challenges at you, but you seize those challenges and use your resourceful nature to inflict gruesome injury justice using household objects. Sure, your passport photo may not flatter you in the least, but it is burdens such as this that make you truly understanding of the suffering of humanity. It must be hard being you, but please keep trying – the world needs more of you!
Don’t be silly.