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A Letter From Mrs Cholmondeley-Warner (guest contribution)

Photobooth portrait of woman with short hair.

Mrs Cholmondeley-Warner; queen of linguistic AND pavement gymnastics

Dear Pretty Feet Pop Toe,

I should like to offer some kindly words of advice to you and your young chums regarding the appropriate action to be taken in a particular situation brought painfully to my attention just recently. Should you espy a person of distinguished maturity making sudden and inadvertent contact with the pavement, please note that before attempting to raise such a one to her feet – award generous points for style and technical ability.

My recent spontaneous swallow dive with pike and quarter twist may have been wanting in the artistic department (largely owing to a lack of preparation and being encumbered with bags for life), but my technical merit was indisputable. Had the young man who came to my aid declared loudly a ringing endorsement of my skills I’m sure the damage to my hands, knees and dignity would have seemed a mere bagatelle under the warm glow of public approbation.

Truly yours,

Mrs Cholmondeley-Warner.

About prettyfeetpoptoe

I live in London and have both my own legs so I am fortunate enough to get out and about on occasion. I form many views on the things that I see and do and love nothing better than a session of linguistic gymnastics in order to share these views.

30 responses »

  1. What a sparkling entry! Loving the wordplay and one can see where Pretty Feet gets her gifts from! Hope this isn’t the last post from the formidable Mrs. Cholmondeley-Warner!

  2. Ah, Mrs Cholmondeley-Warner does, indeed, have a lesson for us all. And what she lacks in balance, she more than makes up for in articulation. My humble approbation.

  3. Another humorous ditty with excellent style & humor points, but deductions for bad advice.

    When encountering old farts flaying on the ground, the best course of action is

    1- Ignore them & flee the scene as soon as possible.
    2- Avoid all contact & potential for intimacy.
    3- DO NOT TOUCH, could do harm to them & your wallet from resulting lawsuit.

    Best to continue your dreary life.

    • I personally like to break out the cheerleader act and always carry pom poms for icy days when grannies practice their tumbling. I’m sure C-W will have her own view on those who pretend to be searching for their guide dog.

    • Mrs Cholmondeley Warner

      My dear thing, such cynicism not only encourages the regrettable formation of facial wrinkles, but blinds you to the possibility of the recumbent person’s legacy potential.

  4. eremophila

    Brings a whole new meaning to ‘ bottoms up’!

  5. She describes a clumsy fall so gracefully! Loved the post!

  6. Post pictures of the Waitrose bags for life as proof that this all happened as described.

    Not that I would ever doubt a gracious person such as yourself…

    • Mrs Cholmondeley Warner

      Picture posting is not part of my remit…the dear young person who enables me to communicate with you all seems to have his hands full just balancing me on an office stool whilst I tap the keys, so you will have to trust the verisimilitude of my account.

      • Top reply there Mrs Warner. That is the first (and probably last) time I have seen someone use the word ‘verisimilitude’ on a blog. Is your name a reference to the Harry Enfield character?

        By the way do you have your own blog? Your posting name isn’t linked to it but tha’s easily fixed by dear young people:

        Dashboard > Users > Personal Settings. Scroll to the Website box, enter the full address of your blog, save.


        • Mrs Cholmondeley Warner

          Dear Correspondent, my social obligations preclude me from regular epistollery forays that you so kindly suggest. As regards my name, it was one of the very few things that my dear departed parents agreed upon. I do not disagree that Podger Higginbottom Jones failed to trip effortlessly off the tongue, or indicate the ancient lineage behind us. After riffling through Debretts, family bibles and genealogy lists they decided that the mellifluous accents of Cholmondeley Warner was more suited to their standing. Pip pip

  7. For all Mrs Cholmondeley-Warner fans (aka Cee-Dubya to her friends or Cee-Dub to give her her “hip hop” name), I have consulted with the great lady about the possibility of her hosting her own blog site and it’s bad news for you and good news for me. Her duties as grand-matron and chicken-keeper extraordinaire will sadly keep her from regular postings but she has agreed to the possibility of a future appearance here, on Pretty Feet, Pop Toe.

    Take what you can people, take what you can.

  8. What a wonderful literary dance! Fun and intelligent. Great post!

    • Mrs Cholmondeley Warner

      The Hook…crochet or left? As you mentioned ‘dance’ in your brief comment, it brings to my mind that deep in the far recesses there lurks a story that will doubtless surface given enough champagne and oysters.

  9. I am thoroughly delighted. Happy dance ensuing 🙂


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