People often stop me in the street (well, in my head anyway) to ask me how I keep such an amazingly svelte figure, glowing complexion and glossy hair and I am only too happy to inform them that it’s because of my very own revolutionary diet secret. When they then beg me to tell them what this secret shortcut to fabulousness is, I slap them round their chubby chops and tell them to stop believing in fairy tales. I’ve now decided that in order to avoid all the crying and law suits, I should confine my astoundingly sage no-nonsense advice on nutrition to The Internet. It’s going to be costing me a fortune in tissues and legal fees otherwise.
Roll up folks, answer my simple questions regarding your eating habits and the solutions to all your nutrition and dietary needs will be revealed!
The Overeater Test
People often tell me that they can’t understand why they have gained weight/can’t drop a few pounds. I have devised this sensitively worded test to help you work out if that’s because you are overeating. Remember, overeating can lead to terrible illnesses like diabetes, heart disease and not fitting into your favourite jeans.
Q1. Are you fat?
A. No = You’re not an overeater and can live safely in the knowledge that you probably won’t fall through deck chairs, that people don’t pray to God for mercy when they see you approaching the empty seat next to them and children won’t mistake you for a bouncy-castle at village fetes.
A. Yes = Go to Q2
Q2. Are you consuming more calories than you burn? (If you’re confused about whether your calorie consumption/calorie burn ratio is off, see Q3)
A. No = Liar. Stop whining about your metabolism and genetics, put down the pie and go for a run. Oh, and if the doctor told you your thyroid was fine, you should probably stop telling people it’s glandular unless by “glandular”, you mean that you eat deep fried sweetbreads every day.
A. Yes = Well stop then! Step away from the cake and introduce yourself to some gym equipment.
Q3. Does your idea of a “balanced” diet mean having equal weights of cheese and bacon and/or cream and chocolate on everything and it not falling over?
A. No = Put down the bucket of bacon-topped ice-cream, look me in the eye and tell me “no” with a straight face.
A. Yes = You’re a greedy cretin. Try eating something green for a change.
The Allergy Test
Having an allergy has become something of a fashion in this day and age and even Victoria Beckham has jumped on the bandwagon with her allergy to food. This sympathetic test will help you work out whether you have an allergy or if you’re foregoing a varied diet because you’re just a whiny little git.
Q1. Does the food try to kill you?
A. No = You’re not allergic. Go to Q2
A. Yes = You’re allergic. Stop eating it.
Q2. Does the food make you tired/bloated/produce more wind than a herd of bovines after breaking into a baked bean factory?
A. No = There’s nothing wrong with you. You have no reason to put anything under “dietary requirements” when you RSVP to a function, so don’t. Eat whatever’s put in front of you and be grateful.
A. Yes = You have an intolerance. Either stop eating it or shut up about it, you big princess. Oh, and please open a window.
The Fussy Eater Test
If you aren’t allergic to something, perhaps you’re not eating it because you’re a fussy eater. Take this test to find out.
Q1. Have you ever said “bleurgh”, “gross” or wrinkled up your nose when at a dinner table?
A. No = You clearly had good parenting or you have the eating habits of a dustbin.
A. Yes = You’re a fussy eater with all the table manners of a troll. Grow up. If you don’t like something, politely force it down your chip funnel of a gullet or inform the host that you’re not terribly keen on the item and go hungry.
Q2. When declaring that you don’t like something, have you ever tried it?
A. No = You are a fussy eater, an idiot and also a liar. You could be missing out on your new favourite food and to be honest, I hope you never try it because you don’t deserve it. Actually, go ahead, try it and I hope you love it but that you’re allergic!
A. Yes = Well, you gave it a shot and your opinion is an informed one so you’re not being fussy. You’re still not leaving the table until you’ve eaten at least half of it because it won’t kill you and I spent ages out there in the kitchen
wrestling with the microwave oven door slaving over a stove.
There you have it. You should now have a clear view as to whether you have diet and nutrition issues and know how to deal with them. It’s all so simple really but if you still want a secret magic shortcut to looking fit and healthy, remember this – silly diets are for silly people. There is no magic way around the science of your human biology and your carcass can’t be cheated. If you fuel your motor with a variety of goods from the basic food groups (chocolate, pizza and crisps are not food groups – FYI) and you make your body move about a bit more than just waving the remote at the television, then over time, you’re going to find that you are fit and indeed, healthy.
Actually, I kind of miss the slapping.