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Daily Archives: 17/10/2012

Attack of The 6ft Toddlers

“Maisy, 5, likes skipping and playing Barbies. And shaving.”

I think there may be some truth to all those GM food scares you know. I’ve generally only bought organic food when it’s cheaper than the normal produce or I haven’t paid close enough attention while shoplifting, but I’m starting to think all the chemicals and hormones in the normal foods we eat are a serious risk. I’ve seen evidence that may alarm you and have you reaching for the hand-woven yoghurt – I’ve seen 6 foot tall toddlers.

I’m not kidding, I’ve been minding my own business, gaily elbowing tourists out the way, as is my right as an arrogant London dweller, and there, before my very eyes, was a toddler with a beard, looming loftily above my diminutive frame. You’re probably thinking that I’m being silly and that I’m surely referring to fully grown adults, but you’re wrong. Adults, as we all know, dress and act like adults. They walk around on what legs they have available to them and say adult things. They do not, repeat not whiz around on scooters, wearing animal eared hats with pigtails poking out, and carrying Rainbow Bright lunch boxes as handbags.

When I first saw one of these giant GM toddlers ambling towards me with animal ears atop its head, I thought it was being bummed by an overly amorous bear, escaped from London Zoo. I was all but ready to break out my emergency cattle prod (for those extra-crowded trains) to save the poor over-grown mite, but then it struck me, this wasn’t an animal attack, it was someone voluntarily walking around trying to look like they were being humped by a stuffed toy. Only a child would do this, because their parents made them, believing it to look adorable. An adult would only do it if they were trying to look “zany” or “kooky” and everyone knows those are code words for “utter tit” so it must have been an under-5.

As well as those wearing their “adorable” novelty hats, there is the unmistakable wardrobe of a toddler; basically dungarees and/or any combination of clothing that looks like it was put together by a colour blind kids TV presenter on acid, with at least 2 or more cartoon character motifs. What self-respecting adult would be seen outside a practical joke wearing such a get up? Surely not one who has any designs on getting their pink bits touched, that’s for certain!

Looking like a Saturday morning cartoon threw up all over you is great if you’re a nipper, because you most likely threw up all over a Saturday morning cartoon, but if you’re of the age where you’re potentially going to make a decision involving other people’s money and/or lives and you some day want to feel the weight of another human being in the boudoir, Spongebob probably isn’t the style icon for you.

Some of these towering girl tots appear to have consumed way too much of whatever flavour Sunny D packs the most growth hormones, as they actually have beards. I’m talking full-on facial crumb-catchers here, not just the soft fuzzy peach glow of a naturally hirsute inbred. Again, you’re thinking that I’m clearly confused and have just seen a grown male adult. You’ll feel silly for doubting me once I tell you. What grown man do you know would actually stride about in plain view with his hair in bunches or pigtails! Ha! Told you you’d feel silly! Grown men with pigtails, indeed?!

It’s not just in the way these monkey-gland fed tots are dressed that gives them away as being the junior victims of the E-number packed Turkey Twizzler, it’s also the behaviour. Normal adults transport themselves around the country using civilised forms of transport, such as bikes, cars, trains and planes, and rather less civilised methods such as the tube or the bus. Then there are children. They swarm the pavements on scooters, haphazardly looking one way and scooting another, and looking as graceful and stylish as a clown suit-wearing rhino on ice.

This is one of the least efficient means of getting from A to B, so why on earth would a sensible middle-aged person risk looking like an utterly misguided pillock, pumping one leg furiously along the pavement, only to travel at 0.1275 miles per hour as they trail behind ambling pedestrians and old folk in wheelchairs?! No-one over the age of 10 has so little self respect as to voluntarily use a child’s plaything as their main means of transport, it’s like a bad gag from a cop buddy flick. Conclusive proof enough that these are over-sized toddlers, yes?

Look around you and you may even have one working or living near you. You can easily spot them for the fact that they cover their windowsills and work stations with stuffed toys and dolls. We all know that adults don’t play with dolls and that teddy bears are in no way an asset to the mature professional’s working environment. The only people who need to surround themselves with a stimulating set of soft toys are children. Or Santa’s elves I suppose, but elves don’t live in London or ride scooters.

It’s scary stuff, isn’t it? Now I’ve alerted you to this phenomenon, you’ll be spotting them everywhere; pulling Hello Kitty purses out to pay for their shopping, adjusting the Spiderman braces hoisting up their trousers as they tuck their scooter into a Transformers backpack… There really is no way these can be adults, no matter what the food manufacturing companies tell us, so there’s only one thing for it. We have to safeguard the younger generations by feeding them only on organic oats and bio-dynamic brussels sprouts, lest the same ridiculous gigantism befall them. As for me, I’ll do my part by consuming as much of the harmful chemicals as possible to keep them out of the food chain. By harmful chemicals, I mean wine.

Oh, and If I am mistaken and these are in fact adults, I have just one thing to say. Grow up.

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