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Daily Archives: 08/10/2014

Five Signs Your Cat is Trying to Kill You

There is a wonderful unconditional bond between a person and their treasured pet – one that goes all the way to the food bowl and back again, via the treasured moments of handling warm animal faeces on a daily basis. We couldn’t exist without each other, right? That’s what you think. While dogs are happy to play dumb and live a life of glib servitude in return for belly rubs and stolen crotch-sniffs, cats hold the human race in total disregard. Make no mistake about it, your cat wants you dead.

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All cats have a facial expression that conveys utter contempt for humanity, they just cutesy it up with whiskers and a rhythmic throat rattle to lull you into a false sense of security. They may act pleased to see you when you come home, but rest assured, the back of their mind is still abuzz with the memory of having rubbed their balloon knot on your face as you slept last night. They don’t need you, they toy with you as they toy with a lame sparrow.

With you gone, your cat wouldn’t have to suffer the twee name you insist on publicly humiliating it with – “here Mr Foo-Foo Sparkle Flufflekins! Din dins!” (the curse of allowing your children a hand in the naming process), it would be free of that idiotic bell which reduces its grand feline stature to that of a toy, and revenge for the loss of its sexual prowess would be delectably complete. Still want proof that Tiddles would happily see you rot into the carpet? Fine, here’s five signs your cat is trying to kill you.

"Oh hey, didn't think you might want to walk here with deathly slippery feet..."

“Oh hey, didn’t think you might want to walk here with deathly slippery feet…”

1. Cats have the ability to occupy several dimensions – up, down, high, higher, under, through… so why, when they could be peaceably resting atop a shelf, looking picturesque among your potted orchids and the books you bought so future dates would think you read more than the TV listings, do they insist on using stealth and velvet-padded paws to position themselves directly underfoot while you are wrapped in an electric iron cable, carrying hot pans of molten jam or juggling machetes in the shower? Their upward gaze says “I just wanted to be close to you” but their actions scream “MAKE IT LOOK NATURAL!”.

"What's that? You can't freeth? You make no sense."

“What’s that? You can’t freeth? You make no sense.”

2. Snuggling up in bed on a cold winter’s night with your furry feline fellow is one of life’s great delights. The two of you nestled among the plump pillows and folds of quilted comfort, united as one entwined ball of warmth and love against the sound of lashing rain and howling winds. Get a grip. Your cat acts the teddy bear, soothing your nerves after the earlier machete near-miss, and as you peacefully drift off, they shift to an even more loving position, unable to bear even an inch to keep the two of you apart. Your face now buried beneath the grip of a purring face-hugger, no air can reach you, only the warm suffocation of “love”. The entirety of a double bed and they had to choose your face? Love? Pah. Coincidence? Pfft. Because lumpy hard skulls are comfy? Hardly. “She went peacefully in her sleep, she felt nothing – killed by love”, they’ll say. Your cat will say nothing, your cat will merely clean its whiskers in lieu of blowing imaginary smoke from finger-guns.

"Just so you know, I can pee on the electric socket too."

“Just so you know, I can pee on the electric socket too.”

3. Oh how naughty, your cat jumped up on the kitchen surface while your back was turned. The cheeky monkey! That was no bolt of defiance or curiosity – your cat wanted you to know they were up there. They wanted you to see, they wanted you to know that they have full access to your knife block and there’s not a damn thing that you can do about it. Think opposable thumbs will hinder them? They’ve heard of Darwin too, you know, and they know it’s just a matter of time and inbreeding. Think hiding the knives in a drawer will solve that? Just you wait for the slow rattling sound of a drawer eerily rolling open at 2am…

"I'm detecting notes of elderflower, beef crisps and liver failure..."

“I’m detecting notes of elderflower, beef crisps and liver failure…”

4. Taking a quiet moment to relieve yourself in ‘the littlest room’ and there it is, a paw under the door, the desperate mewling of one abandoned. Fine, you think, I shall allow my dearest kitty to accompany me on my adventures in tummy mud land, and there they sit, calm and studious, watching their great master settled atop the mighty porcelain throne. Well, that’s your take on the situation. You see, cats are highly driven by smell. They communicate with each other through scent and what your cat is in fact doing is gathering intel. They sit before you, barely contained repulsion in their eyes as they watch you in your state of utmost vulnerability, prone to attack, emitting all the information their olfactory senses need to know that your heart is weak, your kidneys questionable and that a great opportunity for food poisoning lies within their grasp.

"Me? Just getting comfy... (20 minutes on a low heat should do it)."

“Me? Just getting comfy… (20 minutes on a low heat should do it).”

5. Surely your cat would miss all those lovely moments where, settled in front of the television or ensconced in the TV guide a good book, they climb atop your lap for a beautific snooze. Well, it’s true that cats love sleeping, but before they settle down to that, they have some very important business to attend to – they must ‘make bread’. They pad and paw and knead your lap, first testing one thigh, then reaching for a squidge of belly, eyes closed, purring with delight, kneading and padding, prodding and tenderising. Yeah, tenderising – your cat has no interest in finding the comfiest spot; cat’s can sleep on a skull, remember, they are ensuring that you stay as tender as possible for the day when you mysteriously trip in a freak kettle juggling accident or meet your furry demise as you slumber. Well, no-one wants to have to survive on tough chewy meat while they wait for the neighbours to free them.

Trust me, the revolution is coming and it has claws.

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