Being a female of the 21st century pretty much automatically qualifies me as a feminist (believing that women should vote and be allowed to eat food etc), however, I’m not a very ardent ragey one and I’m certainly not the sort to go on “all men are evil” protest rallies with unruly armpit hair and a flaming bra (a poor waste of good Rigby & Peller in my opinion), but there are certain (almost exclusively) male behaviours that boil my bladder to the point where I could pee diamonds and fire. One of these such behaviours is the harassment by
men oiks of ladies in the street.
I wouldn’t call myself the most stunningly eye catching creature of allure to ever strut the streets of London, but there are enough of my body parts in the right place to apparently draw an admiring eye or two, and on several occasions, the ill-mannered mouth-breathers of the world have thought fit to inflict their persistent attentions upon me for committing the crime of being appealing to the dribbling primordial slop that passes for their brains. I am not so special as to be the only one this happens to and it seems that people are mistakenly under the impression that I and others like me enjoy such advances.
To clarify whether these interactions are welcome, I’ve devised a little quiz for the menfolk of the world (we all love a quiz, don’t we? Unless you’re an ageing BBC entertainer), so get yourself a piece of paper and a pen and let’s get cracking:
1. A woman is walking down the street and you happen to think that she is devastatingly attractive. Does she want you to:
A. Yell monosyllabic observations as to her possessing attractive anatomical features such as “PHWOAR, NICE ARSE!”. Birds love that.
B. Whistle at her like a dog.
C. Leave her alone.
2. A woman is walking down the street and cannot hear your vocal attempts to attract her attention. Does she want you to:
A. Dance around her as though accompanied by the music from Benny Hill, waving your hands in her face. She clearly doesn’t realise you have something seductive to grunt.
B. Tap her on the shoulders and playfully obstruct her path, repeatedly. She just doesn’t realise how lucky she is you singled her out.
C. Leave her alone.
3. A woman is walking down the street and you have tried to get her attention but she seems intent on ignoring you. This is because:
A. She’s a stuck up frigid cow.
B. She’s playing hard to get, the little minx.
C. She wants to be left alone.
4. A woman is walking down the street and you drive past in your vehicle. The thing that will impress her the most is:
A. Loudly yelling remarks about her sweater-fillers out the window for all to hear as you speed by.
B. Slowing the vehicle to crawl alongside her, smiling like a ravenous hyena while R Kelly croons loudly out the open window.
C. Leaving her alone.
5. A woman is walking down the street and you are so drawn to her that you simply must know if she is available. She insists that she has a partner because:
A. She hasn’t met you yet, she’ll soon see sense.
B. She’s playing hard to get and wants you to try harder.
C. She wants you to leave her alone.
6. A woman is walking down the street and has rejected your advances. You should:
A. Tell her what a despicable person she is for leading you on with the provocative way she walked down the street minding her own business.
B. Try harder, the full length of the street and if necessary, like the little piggy, wee wee wee, all the way home.
C. Leave her alone.
7. A woman is walking down the street and you find her physical appearance impossibly desirable. Whose fault is this?
A. Hers, she’s built like a strumpet and knows it.
B. Hers, I’m just a slave to my red blooded male desires.
C. Yours. Leave her alone
8. A woman is walking down the street and, being a daft sod who buys into romantic comedies, you believe from just one glance that she may be your soul mate, that you’re destined to fall in love with each other. How do you best convey this?
A. You’re not really interested in love, you’re just showing your friends how easily you can pull random trollops in the street.
B. Romance, is that by Lynx?
C. You would politely strike up a conversation and see if she willingly reciprocated. If not, you would leave her alone and watch fewer Meg Ryan films.
Time to tot up your scores. I’ve used the highly scientific method of “mostly” here. Are you mostly A, mostly B or mostly C?
Mostly A: You are an odious creature of the lowest order who should have died out in the 70’s. Your ego and lack of any form of sensibility mean that you intimidate and humiliate women at every turn with your overt sexual harassment. The chances of you ever getting to touch a lady’s pink bits are slimmer than a whippet’s nipple, which is a good thing as your genes are best kept out of the pool. Your friends encourage your “cheeky” japes and tell you that you’re funny; you’re about as funny as syphilis.
Mostly B: You think you’re pretty smooth with the ladies and that given enough time, you’ll woo the silly tease. The truth is that you’re a borderline stalker with the charm of a disgruntled boa constrictor. Your persistently predatory behaviour makes women want to spread your face across a speeding vehicle, not spread their legs, and your “playful flirtations” are about as fun as wearing knickers made from cheese graters.
Mostly C: Well done, you really do know what women want, and that’s to be left alone while walking from A to B (not mostly A or mostly B, women tend to run in the opposite direction of those). By all means discretely admire a finely turned ankle from afar, feel free to politely tell someone that their smile has brightened your day, but the first sign that she wants to be left alone, keep up the good work and leave her alone.
How did you all do? Actually, you don’t have to tell me – you all scored perfect C’s. I know this because the sort of desperate imbeciles who trail women down the street with their tongues lolling like an inbred basset hound, informing her of their unwelcome desire to violate her unwittingly attractive form, don’t read anything that doesn’t have pictures of topless “birds” in it, so won’t have taken my quiz. Maybe you could all spread the word though, preferably with the aid of a cattle prod.