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Electric Shock

The Woolly Mammoth at the Royal BC Museum, Vic...

Available in all good middle class delicatessens

The horror! The inhumanity! The sheer terror! No, I’m not talking about the latest episode of the X-Factor, I’m talking about the fact that I have come home to a power cut. This means I’ve been unwittingly thrown back to some kind of stone age-like existence and I may be forced to leave the house in search of woolly mammoth for dinner, dressed in nothing but a pair of sheep-skin knickers and a ferret-skin hat adorned with pigeon beaks. (I will of course purchase the woolly mammoth from the local deli. This is a well-to-do area and we don’t allow extinct livestock to roam freely, leaving giant fossilised droppings on the pavement.)

This could be a very long night and a very short blog post as my laptop gives me little more than one or two hours grace before plunging me into a land of unsaved Word documents and guttural screaming. I would switch to my iPhone but it’s currently serving as my only source of light and heat. I’ve tried making a stir-fry on it but I appear not to have downloaded the latest version which supports wok based cookery.

On returning home to my pitch black abode this evening, I did what we all do in times of darkness. I flicked several light switches fruitlessly, huffed a little, reached for the torch which I know hasn’t had working batteries in it since 1996, puffed a little, realised I don’t know where the fuse box is and sat down in the dark to sulk. Well, sulk and announce very hurriedly to everyone via Facebook for iPhone what an awful tragedy had befallen me. I then did that other thing we all try and do in a power cut (well, if you’re English, anyway), I think “I know, while I’m waiting for someone to come and rescue me from my opening-scene-of-a-horror-film quandary, I shall put the kettle on for a nice cup of… oh.”.

Upon realising that there are to be no hot beverages, I think to myself “I know, as there isn’t going to be power for watching a film on TV, I shall stick on a DV…. Oh.” This is followed up by the novel idea of looking at piffle on the Internet, only to be met with a blank screen and the realisation that absolutely everything I do during my waking hours is electricity based and I am doomed, DOOMED I tell you!

I would call up a sympathetic ear to bemoan my lot but that would mean wasting the battery of my beloved phone and I’ll need it for playing Solitaire once boredom reaches the levels where I find myself testing the possibility of being able  to lick one’s own ear or not.

I may have to call in sick tomorrow if the power doesn’t return by morning. I mean, how can I possibly leave the house if I haven’t used my electrical gadgetry to tame my unruly bouff, oh and it requires several thousand Watts to fire up the cement mixer in order to apply an even 12 inches of make-up. I don’t mind doing without the top 4 out of 17 layers of varnish but when small children run screaming at the very sight of you and grown men choke back their stomach contents while asking you if you realise that Halloween is over, you know you’re only going to be locked in the stationary cupboard anyway.

I’ve been home a whole hour and 45 minutes now and panic is setting in. I may only have mere minutes of laptop and then what? I may just have to read a boo…. Oh.

If my friends were here, we could play Charades! We would have to shout out what we were doing with our limbs though, or it would be a very long and even more tedious game than usual. Or perhaps we could spice it up and grope around wildly in order to guess what TV show each player was miming. Actually, that’s starting to sound like a very different kind of night in and I’m pretty sure someone would end up either dead or pregnant. Best leave that to the politicians.

It’s ok, I’ve checked with the neighbours and they are all in Hell too. They seem to have taken it rather better than I have though; they’re all dressed in Victorian garb and have taken to singing round the piano. Shame none of them knows how to unlock the lid.

Two hours without electricity. My laptop battery is getting weak, I’m getting weak… I’m fading away. Cold, so cold. I’m not sure I can hold on much longer. *cough* tell my friends and family I loved them. I wonder if I can lick my own ear… RIGHT, I’m going to do the sensible thing , I’m going to the pub!

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