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Taxation – The ‘Simple’ Solution


“Yes, I am a registered tax payer – why do you ask?”

This week I’m going to take a rare and brazen stab at politics. Well, it seems that any ninny with a slightly comedic face is doing so in Westminster, and I see no reason why my lack of jam roly-poly education and economic credentials should hold me back.

Since time immemorial the governing bodies of this fine land have pondered how best to fund the roads, drains and armies that serve the good people, and the duck castles that festoon the lakes in their second country piles. Taxation has always been the answer but in varied forms; once upon a somewhen, it was the humble window that was taxed – the reasoning behind this being that rich people owned large houses, large houses had lots of windows and so the rich would end up paying more than a tramp who lived in a one-windowed wheelbarrow. The reasoning also contained a dose of clever PR aimed squarely at the vanity of the pompous Lord and Lady Landowner. Only the rich can afford to pay these taxes, so in order to seem affluent and socially superior, you wouldn’t brick up your windows as so many struggling aspirants did and would gleefully cough up your pennies. Rather clever really.

The time has come, in UK politics, once again, as with the ubiquitous occurrence of a furniture shop sale, there would seem to not be enough taxes to go around. I, yes the humble PFPT, has the solution and it’s simple. Tax the simple. A stupidity tax. It seems to me that there is a boundless reserve of stupidity in this country, and taxes may be collected at every possible moment of every day, enabling the UK to have the most beautifully oiled-society with fully functioning public amenities for all.

Think about it, you approach the ticket gate of the train station and the person before you ‘stupidly’ leaves it until they’re blocking the way of said gate to fumble through a seemingly endless warren of pockets for their ticket, instead of having the wherewithal to have it to hand in advance. Tax £21.00 on the spot.

Correspondence reaches you via email, in reply to your own email, your name forming part of the email address – with your name spelled wrong in the body of the text – BOOM £12.96 taxation. Someone writes ‘should of’ when they should have written ‘should’ve’ – £3.50 on-the-spot tax. A cretin does something ‘pacifically’ stupid – £5.27, right there and then.

The sign says ‘walk on the left’, the boggle-eyed numpty drags their brood of poorly dressed vagina spawn, twisted hoard of scooters, buggies and bags on the right – I can’t even begin to calculate the tax on that one, but it would mean a free breakfast for every child of school age.

As for the ignoramuses who believe that a microwave is a valid method of charging an iPhone, that’s a new lush green park in every village and town and judging by the state of reality television shows alone, we’ll all be riding state-funded gold-plated hoverboards to work within months!

The country’s coffers would soon be overflowing with the pennies of the nation’s numbskulls, and aside from pothole-free roads and flawlessly functioning hospitals, you know what else we would see? These nincompoops would do all within their power to avoid this stupidity tax, so we would see a huge rise in the uptake of education – children would fearfully recite their times tables as they slumbered, adults would seek out those fabled ‘books’ they have heard tell of, greedily soaking up every documentary and museum exhibition. The notion of illiteracy would become a thing of the past and the country would swell with productivity, culture and harmony.

But what about when all have passed the grade of stupidity? When all are able to avoid burning their house down whilst attempting to destroy a spider? What taxation then? Well, as with the window tax of yore, the incredibly rich would be only too glad to cough up for having spent their youth watching Geordie Shore and Jeremy Kyle instead of reading Dostoevsky and Darwin. Not being able to tell the time or knowing how to operate a cheese grater will become a thing of status among the affluent (which means Joey Essex and Pixie Lott would be elevated to upper-upper-upper class) meaning those chumps would be inclined to pay more tax to indicate just how (stupidly) rich they really are. Couple this with the utopian society where so few acts of stupidity cause public service draining incidents like traffic accidents or factory explosions or Josie Cunningham… Well, like I said GOLD-PLATED HOVERBOARDS FOR EVERYONE!


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