How To Spot A (Diet) Coke Addict

There is an addiction creeping into a workplace, home or college near you. It affects the poor, the wealthy, the ugly, the glamorous and it has no discrimination as far as age is concerned. People are doing it in private and even in the streets.  Diet Coke addiction is here and it’s taking its grip, one can at a time!

Most people are shocked when they discover how many cans I consume each day (minimum of 2, average of 4, up to 6 or 7 on a particularly rough day) and just don’t get why no-one is allowed to hold a conversation with me first thing in the morning, prior to my having chugged a cold one down (it’s more for your safety than mine) and there is generally an air of great amusement at the resounding “crack – tssss” emanating from my desk area as I peel open a fresh can every 2-3 hours, but I assure you, I am not alone.

I always felt no-one truly understood my need to continuously slurp on an ice cold DC until recently. During the London riots earlier this month, my local shops all shut early. I realised that my stocks were depleted and I didn’t even have an emergency stash in the toilet cistern/bookshelf/shoe box like any sensible heroin addict would and so I was facing an entire evening sans Diet Coke. I was in trouble and starting to sweat (not literally, my deodorant is actually quite effective) and against all sound advice (“seriously, the news is recommending we stay indoors… there are muggers out there. Try having a coffee.” COFFEE?! Just because it’s brown, wet and caffeinated, does NOT make it ok!) I headed out into the wilderness of the London streets in search of a shop that could hook me up with my next fix.

Thankfully I didn’t need to resort to looting. It was close.

I recounted this tale to a group of friends, most of whom looked at me like I was some kind of idiot, with the exception of one person. She gave me a knowing smile that communicated so much understanding and sympathy and there, in her hand, was a can of Diet Coke. I had found a kindred spirit, another self-confessed addict!!!

I’ve come to terms with a life spent chasing cans but for those of you who are unsure if you, or someone you love, may be addicted to Diet Coke, simply run through this list and if the answer to more than five is “dur, obviously!” then you are in the presence of an addict.

1. Everyone knows that Diet Coke should always be served spine achingly cold, however, if more than 4 hours has gone by without a fix, even Diet Coke that has been stored in the backside of a camel on a hot summer’s day in the Sahara is nectar to you
2. Diet Coke tastes best when served in Retro glass bottles; cans, a very close 2nd, are better than small plastic bottles; small plastic bottles are better than large plastic bottles and all these are better than the sickly brown syrupy water that comes out of a hose in bars. Hoses are for gardens.
3. Coke Light and Coke Zero are NOT the same as Diet Coke. They taste totally different and you will think nothing of having a full blown tantrum should a sneaky restaurateur present you with one
4. You can tell the difference between Diet Coke produced in different countries and it’s verging on turning you into a racist (I’m sorry Germany, your production line may be terribly efficient but your flavour is vile and metallic – much like Britney Spears’ latest musical offerings)
5. You may love vodka, you may love Diet Coke but vodka and Diet Coke is wrong
6. You are not avoiding full fat Coca Cola because of the calorie content, hell, you’ll even order a DC with your Big Mac and large fries!
7. Diet Pepsi and Pepsi Max are basically Diet Coke’s ugly inbred cousins, oh, and don’t even mention supermarket own brand cola. I said don’t mention it.
8. Flavoured Diet Coke? Lime?? Cherry??? Lemon???? An abomination of contamination!!!!! Keep the fruit in the fruit bowl.
9. You are continually bombarded by green tea drinking scare mongerers with silly urban myths about Diet Coke melting tarmac, causing cellulite, containing formaldehyde blah blah blah. After hearing this, you simply crack open another can and down it in one before deleting these hippies from your list of Facebook friends
10. You have no idea how many days you can go without Diet Coke. Why on earth would you want to find out?!

N.B. I have omitted caffeine-free Diet Coke from my list as it doesn’t even qualify as a beverage

This list is not exhaustive (fellow addicts – I’d love to hear your own contributions) but should give you a fair guide to spotting a DC-dependent and if, after reading it, you have just discovered that you fall into this category, don’t hide it, be proud and know that you’re in very good company.

If, however, you read the above list with a blank look on your mineral water sipping face, be kind to the people you see struggling with their shaking hands, trying to feed coins into a vending machine. Help them out, they’ve probably just lasted 4 hours without the fizz!