Someone asked me what I was doing last Sunday. I replied that I was doing nothing. “Great”, they said, “we can go out and…” whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m going to have to stop you there. Just because I’m “doing nothing”, doesn’t mean that I want things to do, I actually have the day blocked off in my diary specifically so I can do nothing. Having nothing to do is not an accident, I have set a full 24 hours aside to indulge in it and I have made it into something of an art form. This is what is known as Soap Dodger Sunday.
Soap Dodger Sunday is not fo the faint hearted and there are rules that need to be adhered to. Those of you who have a tendency to cave in to feelings of guilt or worse, an inclination for productivity, should steer well clear and settle for a half hour lie-in instead but for those of you who live life at full pelt from Monday to Saturday (and perhaps acquire a hangover along the way), a day spent festering in pure self-indulgence is nothing short of decadent. Here’s how it’s done.
The location for soap dodging is simple. Bed or sofa. These don’t have to be your own but upon waking, you should spend as much time hiding beneath the covers as possible until hunger or a need for televisual entertainment drive you from your pit, at which point, you should drag your carcass as far as the sofa and no further.
The only viable reasons for leaving the sanctity of your abode are to sneak out for junk food supplies or, if you’re on someone else’s sofa, to return to your own where soap dodging can recommence as soon as humanly possible.
The hardcore pro soap dodger will remove all wardrobe based complications from their day and merely wear whatever they happen to wake up in. This only really works for naked sleepers if you live alone or have very accommodating housemates so maybe invest in some pyjamas, you really will get your money’s worth when you make Soap Dodger Sunday a regular occurrence.
Stretch is key here. Leggings, tracksuits, t-shirts; basically any lycra based articles are fine, so long as you can accommodate an expanding waist in them and you don’t look like you’re ever going to attract anyone or anything other than flies. Remember, the only people who may see you are the purveyors of fine junk food and these people know better than to judge you for the fact that you have a satin raincoat covering a My Little Pony t-shirt, a pair of something grey and stretchy from the bottom of your gym bag and odd shoes. I also like to add a fedora and sunglasses to this ensemble, not just for added finesse but to hide bed hair and mascara that’s trying to migrate to my chin.
The added bonus to spending all day in sleepwear, is that this one outfit will see you from your pile of pillows, through the entire day and straight back into the boudoir again! Talk about versatile!
Now that you have established that there’s nothing in the fridge (fruit, vegetables and anything that will require putting raw ingredients together in order to assemble it don’t count), you should think carefully about how you’re going to sustain yourself for the duration – soap dodging is hard work and you need to keep your strength up. You have two choices here; a run to the corner shop or calling up one of the many fast food delivery establishments. Basically, you’re aiming for a huge quantity of food that only takes as long to prepare as it takes to open the packaging. Crisps, chocolate, pizza… all the things you’ve been working hard to avoid all your gym-blasting week are now the only things that will keep you alive and you need them. In very large portions.
I use the word “activities” very loosely. Once you have your stash of calorie laden carbs and have your buttocks firmly on your sofa of choice, all you are going to be doing is assuming “the position” (horizontal and with one hand firmly on the TV remote) and working hard on creating your own personally shaped dent in the sofa, like a soft furnishing based Turin Shroud, while consuming hour upon hour of brainless televisual tripe such as Mythbusters, Bridezillas and films starring ex-Friends cast members .
You should at all cost, avoid any temptation to perform such wholesome acts as laundry, dusting, paying bills, picking up last night’s dirty knickers and at absolutely no point should you wash. Now, this last point is where many people cave and we see who really wants to commit to Soap Dodger Sunday and those pretenders who wants to just watch half an hour of telly with an individual sized packet of Monster Munch (amateurs).
If you are a true hard and fast soap dodger, you will forego all personal hygiene and revel in your own grubbiness. This is one day where you have no-one to impress and all the rules go out the window. Everything your mother told you no longer counts and the very act of spending a day wallowing in our own filth is a delicious, if a tad pongy, way of giving the finger to the societal pressures of superficiality that we all face in our daily grind. Or it’s pure laziness. Either way, that shower is out of bounds.
So, now that you know the basic rules, whether you’re planning on dodging solo, making it a cosy gross couple thing or even a bonding team activity, make a date in the diary and revel in the decadence of Soap Dodger Sunday. You’re worth it!