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Soap Dodger Sunday Explained

Red sofa

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Someone asked me what I was doing last Sunday. I replied that I was doing nothing. “Great”, they said, “we can go out and…” whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m going to have to stop you there. Just because I’m “doing nothing”, doesn’t mean that I want things to do, I actually have the day blocked off in my diary specifically so I can do nothing. Having nothing to do is not an accident, I have set a full 24 hours aside to indulge in it and I have made it into something of an art form. This is what is known as Soap Dodger Sunday.

Soap Dodger Sunday is not fo the faint hearted and there are rules that need to be adhered to. Those of you who have a tendency to cave in to feelings of guilt or worse, an inclination for productivity, should steer well clear and settle for a half hour lie-in instead but for those of you who live life at full pelt from Monday to Saturday (and perhaps acquire a hangover along the way), a day spent festering in pure self-indulgence is nothing short of decadent. Here’s how it’s done.

Location
The location for soap dodging is simple. Bed or sofa. These don’t have to be your own but upon waking, you should spend as much time hiding beneath the covers as possible until hunger or a need for televisual entertainment drive you from your pit, at which point, you should drag your carcass as far as the sofa and no further.

The only viable reasons for leaving the sanctity of your abode are to sneak out for junk food supplies or, if you’re on someone else’s sofa, to return to your own where soap dodging can recommence as soon as humanly possible.

Attire
The hardcore pro soap dodger will remove all wardrobe based complications from their day and merely wear whatever they happen to wake up in. This only really works for naked sleepers if you live alone or have very accommodating housemates so maybe invest in some pyjamas, you really will get your money’s worth when you make Soap Dodger Sunday a regular occurrence.

Stretch is key here. Leggings, tracksuits, t-shirts; basically any lycra based articles are fine, so long as you can accommodate an expanding waist in them and you don’t look like you’re ever going to attract anyone or anything other than flies. Remember, the only people who may see you are the purveyors of fine junk food and these people know better than to judge you for the fact that you have a satin raincoat covering a My Little Pony t-shirt, a pair of something grey and stretchy from the bottom of your gym bag and odd shoes. I also like to add a fedora and sunglasses to this ensemble, not just for added finesse but to hide bed hair and mascara that’s trying to migrate to my chin.

The added bonus to spending all day in sleepwear, is that this one outfit will see you from your pile of pillows, through the entire day and straight back into the boudoir again! Talk about versatile!

Cuisine
Now that you have established that there’s nothing in the fridge (fruit, vegetables and anything that will require putting raw ingredients together in order to assemble it don’t count), you should think carefully about how you’re going to sustain yourself for the duration – soap dodging is hard work and you need to keep your strength up. You have two choices here; a run to the corner shop or calling up one of the many fast food delivery establishments. Basically, you’re aiming for a huge quantity of food that only takes as long to prepare as it takes to open the packaging. Crisps, chocolate, pizza… all the things you’ve been working hard to avoid all your gym-blasting week are now the only things that will keep you alive and you need them. In very large portions.

Activities
I use the word “activities” very loosely. Once you have your stash of calorie laden carbs and have your buttocks firmly on your sofa of choice, all you are going to be doing is assuming “the position” (horizontal and with one hand firmly on the TV remote) and working hard on creating your own personally shaped dent in the sofa, like a soft furnishing based Turin Shroud, while consuming hour upon hour of brainless televisual tripe such as Mythbusters, Bridezillas and films starring ex-Friends cast members .

You should at all cost, avoid any temptation to perform such wholesome acts as laundry, dusting, paying bills, picking up last night’s dirty knickers and at absolutely no point should you wash. Now, this last point is where many people cave and we see who really wants to commit to Soap Dodger Sunday and those pretenders who wants to just watch half an hour of telly with an individual sized packet of Monster Munch (amateurs).

If you are a true hard and fast soap dodger, you will forego all personal hygiene and revel in your own grubbiness. This is one day where you have no-one to impress and all the rules go out the window. Everything your mother told you no longer counts and the very act of spending a day wallowing in our own filth is a delicious, if a tad pongy, way of giving the finger to the societal pressures of superficiality that we all face in our daily grind. Or it’s pure laziness. Either way, that shower is out of bounds.

So, now that you know the basic rules, whether you’re planning on dodging solo, making it a cosy gross couple thing or even a bonding team activity, make a date in the diary and revel in the decadence of Soap Dodger Sunday. You’re worth it!

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About prettyfeetpoptoe

I live in London and have both my own legs so I am fortunate enough to get out and about on occasion. I form many views on the things that I see and do and love nothing better than a session of linguistic gymnastics in order to share these views.

9 responses »

  1. I have tried soap dodger Sunday. Had only a modicum of success as I had to put a bra on due to unforseen family arrivals! I do whole heartedly recommend it though

    Reply
    • Dear Kayleigh,

      You appear to have made a valiant attempt, however, if you lie still enough on the sofa, relatives won’t be able to see or hear you moving about when they spy through the letterbox and will therefore b*gger off.

      Try again next week

      Reply
  2. Dear prettyfeetpoptoe,

    is one allowed to use the toilet while soap dodging or is it considered heresy and an insult by a true believer?

    Reply
    • Dear Fan,

      Use of the toilet is optional. So long as too much effort isn’t exerted… The alternative is plastic sheeting on the sofa which I’m pretty sure you’re only allowed to do after turning 80.

      Yours,

      Prettyfeetpoptoe

      Reply
  3. I used to dream of Disney World and roller coasters, now I only dream of dodging soap for an entire day…….sigh, is this heaven?

    Reply
  4. Excellent.
    It can easily be dragged out from Friday to Sunday, as long as food can be delivered and there is enough beer and wine to blank out any thoughts of anything.

    Reply
  5. I agree with the thought; I have to adapt it a bit for the diabetes thing, but, other than that, I often spend the day watching movies in my sleepwear after staying there until 10:30. Even changing the food is not bad; a sandwich works well as does a couple of hot dogs microwaved. Low carb ice cream has made its pitch at times, too.
    Thanks for letting me know that even sophisticated beauties indulge in this wonderful “activity”.
    Scott

    Reply

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