I am declaring this Adopt-A-Geek Week. Not because these charming creatures are endangered, far from it, but because I think many people out there don’t realise what they’re missing out on by not having a geek to call their very own.
I make no secret of the fact that I love a man who knows his HTTP from his HTML (not just one man, I mean that collectively) and while it used to be something you had to keep secret because geeks weren’t cool, nowadays… well, geeks still aren’t cool but who cares?! The benefits to owning a geek are numerous and I have no idea how I’d cope without my little flock.
Before rushing out to adopt your very own computer nerd fresh from the aisles of a gaming shop/Internet cafe, read the below guide to owning one and remember, if looked after correctly, a geek can last for years before you need to upgrade.
Is a Geek Right For Me?
Geeks have oodles of clever computery info in their brains that the rest of us simply can’t fathom and these delightful creatures know all too well that if you have a problem, if no-one else can help… that it will be 50 times quicker for them to fix it themselves instead of attempting to teach you how to do it and then find they have to re-build the whole thing anyway, once you’ve screwed it beyond repair by jamming a spatula and half a pot of marmalade into the disc slotty thing.
Once fully house broken, simply leave your computer in the capable hands of your darling geek, sit back, relax and paint your nails/arrange your knicker drawer/watch the match while they get on with the clever important stuff of saving your hard-drive from years of porn related viruses (that wasn’t actually me, I had a house guest with a rather curious nature and little regard for my user history). A truly invaluable service.
The geek is a very loyal animal and will never make you feel inferior. These guys not only care very little about what brand of shirt you’re wearing or what car you drive, they know only too well the pain of growing up without the kudos and superficial social standing that the “cool” kids lived for. Even though their technological knowledge is far superior to your own, they don’t hold this over you because it’s really not your fault that you chose to go outside and play in the sunshine with other children instead of hiding in a book about coding and encryption. To this end, they really don’t care who you hang out with or what you do, they will truly love you exactly as you are, so long as you learn to accept that World of Warcraft is *ahem* “not make believe”.
The fact these fascinating critters have logic and reason coursing through their veins mean they are highly prone to drama allergies, so best avoided if your favourite phrase is “OHMYGOD!”, but if you are looking for a low maintenance, high-tech buddy, then get yourself a geek.
What Breed of Geek?
The Geek is almost exclusively male. There are records of female geeks existing but these are very rare and usually only the dedicated geek spotter will have had first hand experience of these. I myself have never seen one but I hear that their plumage is very similar to that of the male and so telling them apart can be difficult without the use of a strip search and some talcum powder.
The Geek comes in a huge diversity of sub-breeds so there really is one out there for everyone. Popular sub-breeds include; the film loving computer geek (easily spotted by its Star Wars t-shirt), the music loving computer geek (notable for its obscure never-heard-of band t-shirt) and of course, the executive geek (notable for the shiny patch on the shoulder of its ill-fitting suit from excessive laptop bag wear).
Where to Keep Your Geek
The geek’s natural habitat is a darkened basement, where it can make its nest out of mismatched office furniture, old IT magazines and speaker units. Try not to expose the little dear to too much sunlight as their skin isn’t used to it and they can get rather agitated by glare on their multiple monitor screens. If you don’t happen to have a basement, any dim soulless area devoid of human interaction and stimulus will do.
What To Feed Your Geek
Geeks can be maintained quite simply as their diet really only consists of three major food groups; meat, sweets and beer. There are, of course, vegetarian and teetotal geeks but much like the female, these are far more rare as they rarely survive into full adulthood.
Geeks do not like being left to go hungry but you needn’t worry about having to cook much, simply provide a stack of takeaway menus and the addresses of several delis within the area and the geek will do the rest. They are very self-sufficient and their innate powers of logic mean that they will be able to calculate the budget, waiting time and portion size of each of the food suppliers within nano-seconds, thus enabling maximum meat consumption in the shortest amount of time, allowing them to return to their computer worship before the keyboard has gone cold.
When they aren’t chugging down energy drinks in a bid to stave off sleep for 36 hours (either for a work deadline or a vitally important cyber mission), the geek needs beer, which makes them a superb drinking buddy and many modern pubs now allow you to bring your geek with you, provided they don’t leave little whoopsies in the corner. Keep a steady supply of ale and a clear path to the local boozer at all times to ensure a happy geek.
Geeks love sweet things and will gorge themselves if allowed, but I recommend limiting the number of treats you give your nerd and save them as a training tool.
How To Train Your Geek
Most geeks are very willing to help at first but over time and especially after previously abusive owners, these willful creatures develop a reluctance to assist in basic computery chores without proper motivation. The geek will emit a distinct defensive cry whenever they sense someone approaching, that sounds a lot like “Log off and back on again, log off and back on again“. To get around this, simply approach your geek with a treat and a soothing word about Star Trek. My preferred method is to begin with a handful of Haribo or a donut and if that doesn’t work, the offer of shiny little gadgets rarely fails.
Grooming Your Geek (no, not THAT type of grooming, pervert!)
Geeks are not known for their fantastically chic wardrobes and snazzily coiffed hair, not that this stops them from picking up lovely young ladies (it seems that the language of love is written in ones and zeros) but the fact they generally look like a 12 year old playing dress-up in daddy’s gardening clothes, or vice versa, makes them ripe for a make-over.
They are usually really rather obliging on this front, should you wish to play ‘Pimp My Geek’, mainly because they don’t actually care what they look like so it’s of little consequence to them what you’re doing to their hair (replacing dandruff with styling product) or their trouser cuffs (introducing them to the shoes that were previously distant acquaintances), so long as you don’t get in the way of their 15 consecutive hours of on-line gaming. I myself am rather in favour of the au naturel geek, it makes them easier to
hunt spot in the wild.
There you have it. It’s clear to see that adopting a geek is easy and offers years of loyal, logic based companionship and invaluable technological support, plus you get to benefit from humorous anecdotes such as the time one of them used a “2” in a story about binary code, or the time one of them turned “Alt-Shift-F10” into the punchline of a joke. Hilarious!
If for any reason you do have problems with your newly adopted geek, feel free to drop me a line, after all, the do call me The Geek Whisperer (actually, they don’t. What the IT team at work affectionately refer to me as is rather too rude for sharing in polite society). Anyway, I hope you enjoy your new geek and when you have the hang of one, you can think about enlarging your collection. Just remember not to feed them after midnight or get them wet… oh hang on, sorry, wrong adoption drive.