I am declaring this Adopt-A-Geek Week. Not because these charming creatures are endangered, far from it, but because I think many people out there don’t realise what they’re missing out on by not having a geek to call their very own.
I make no secret of the fact that I love a man who knows his HTTP from his HTML (not just one man, I mean that collectively) and while it used to be something you had to keep secret because geeks weren’t cool, nowadays… well, geeks still aren’t cool but who cares?! The benefits to owning a geek are numerous and I have no idea how I’d cope without my little flock.
Before rushing out to adopt your very own computer nerd fresh from the aisles of a gaming shop/Internet cafe, read the below guide to owning one and remember, if looked after correctly, a geek can last for years before you need to upgrade.
Is a Geek Right For Me?
Geeks have oodles of clever computery info in their brains that the rest of us simply can’t fathom and these delightful creatures know all too well that if you have a problem, if no-one else can help… that it will be 50 times quicker for them to fix it themselves instead of attempting to teach you how to do it and then find they have to re-build the whole thing anyway, once you’ve screwed it beyond repair by jamming a spatula and half a pot of marmalade into the disc slotty thing.
Once fully house broken, simply leave your computer in the capable hands of your darling geek, sit back, relax and paint your nails/arrange your knicker drawer/watch the match while they get on with the clever important stuff of saving your hard-drive from years of porn related viruses (that wasn’t actually me, I had a house guest with a rather curious nature and little regard for my user history). A truly invaluable service.
The geek is a very loyal animal and will never make you feel inferior. These guys not only care very little about what brand of shirt you’re wearing or what car you drive, they know only too well the pain of growing up without the kudos and superficial social standing that the “cool” kids lived for. Even though their technological knowledge is far superior to your own, they don’t hold this over you because it’s really not your fault that you chose to go outside and play in the sunshine with other children instead of hiding in a book about coding and encryption. To this end, they really don’t care who you hang out with or what you do, they will truly love you exactly as you are, so long as you learn to accept that World of Warcraft is *ahem* “not make believe”.
The fact these fascinating critters have logic and reason coursing through their veins mean they are highly prone to drama allergies, so best avoided if your favourite phrase is “OHMYGOD!”, but if you are looking for a low maintenance, high-tech buddy, then get yourself a geek.
What Breed of Geek?
The Geek is almost exclusively male. There are records of female geeks existing but these are very rare and usually only the dedicated geek spotter will have had first hand experience of these. I myself have never seen one but I hear that their plumage is very similar to that of the male and so telling them apart can be difficult without the use of a strip search and some talcum powder.
The Geek comes in a huge diversity of sub-breeds so there really is one out there for everyone. Popular sub-breeds include; the film loving computer geek (easily spotted by its Star Wars t-shirt), the music loving computer geek (notable for its obscure never-heard-of band t-shirt) and of course, the executive geek (notable for the shiny patch on the shoulder of its ill-fitting suit from excessive laptop bag wear).
Where to Keep Your Geek
The geek’s natural habitat is a darkened basement, where it can make its nest out of mismatched office furniture, old IT magazines and speaker units. Try not to expose the little dear to too much sunlight as their skin isn’t used to it and they can get rather agitated by glare on their multiple monitor screens. If you don’t happen to have a basement, any dim soulless area devoid of human interaction and stimulus will do.
What To Feed Your Geek
Geeks can be maintained quite simply as their diet really only consists of three major food groups; meat, sweets and beer. There are, of course, vegetarian and teetotal geeks but much like the female, these are far more rare as they rarely survive into full adulthood.
Geeks do not like being left to go hungry but you needn’t worry about having to cook much, simply provide a stack of takeaway menus and the addresses of several delis within the area and the geek will do the rest. They are very self-sufficient and their innate powers of logic mean that they will be able to calculate the budget, waiting time and portion size of each of the food suppliers within nano-seconds, thus enabling maximum meat consumption in the shortest amount of time, allowing them to return to their computer worship before the keyboard has gone cold.
When they aren’t chugging down energy drinks in a bid to stave off sleep for 36 hours (either for a work deadline or a vitally important cyber mission), the geek needs beer, which makes them a superb drinking buddy and many modern pubs now allow you to bring your geek with you, provided they don’t leave little whoopsies in the corner. Keep a steady supply of ale and a clear path to the local boozer at all times to ensure a happy geek.
Geeks love sweet things and will gorge themselves if allowed, but I recommend limiting the number of treats you give your nerd and save them as a training tool.
How To Train Your Geek
Most geeks are very willing to help at first but over time and especially after previously abusive owners, these willful creatures develop a reluctance to assist in basic computery chores without proper motivation. The geek will emit a distinct defensive cry whenever they sense someone approaching, that sounds a lot like “Log off and back on again, log off and back on again“. To get around this, simply approach your geek with a treat and a soothing word about Star Trek. My preferred method is to begin with a handful of Haribo or a donut and if that doesn’t work, the offer of shiny little gadgets rarely fails.
Grooming Your Geek (no, not THAT type of grooming, pervert!)
Geeks are not known for their fantastically chic wardrobes and snazzily coiffed hair, not that this stops them from picking up lovely young ladies (it seems that the language of love is written in ones and zeros) but the fact they generally look like a 12 year old playing dress-up in daddy’s gardening clothes, or vice versa, makes them ripe for a make-over.
They are usually really rather obliging on this front, should you wish to play ‘Pimp My Geek’, mainly because they don’t actually care what they look like so it’s of little consequence to them what you’re doing to their hair (replacing dandruff with styling product) or their trouser cuffs (introducing them to the shoes that were previously distant acquaintances), so long as you don’t get in the way of their 15 consecutive hours of on-line gaming. I myself am rather in favour of the au naturel geek, it makes them easier to
hunt spot in the wild.
There you have it. It’s clear to see that adopting a geek is easy and offers years of loyal, logic based companionship and invaluable technological support, plus you get to benefit from humorous anecdotes such as the time one of them used a “2” in a story about binary code, or the time one of them turned “Alt-Shift-F10” into the punchline of a joke. Hilarious!
If for any reason you do have problems with your newly adopted geek, feel free to drop me a line, after all, the do call me The Geek Whisperer (actually, they don’t. What the IT team at work affectionately refer to me as is rather too rude for sharing in polite society). Anyway, I hope you enjoy your new geek and when you have the hang of one, you can think about enlarging your collection. Just remember not to feed them after midnight or get them wet… oh hang on, sorry, wrong adoption drive.
“Pimp My Geek”? Haha. I can see it now. “Yo Dawg, we heard you like pocket protectors, so we put a pocket protector in your pocket protector”
I put some bitchin’ rims on a geek once. Well, when I say rims, I mean glasses frames and they weren’t so much bitchin’ as slightly less coke bottle-esque.
You are properly offensive, woman! (0.o)
Also, waaaay too cliched…… Actually I don’t know, it’s just that my many faceted personality has a geek side to it, a rather big one.
Maybe your “Many Faceted Personality” could sort out your out of focus picture!
what I meant was that as a geek, I’ve taken offense …..but according to your tags for geeks, I don’t really fit the description.
Firstly, I haven’t set fixed categories/definitions, secondly, me offending you for a change, SCORE! Thirdly, the committee (me) have decided you’re not suitable for the adoption scheme. 😉
Firstly, while all geeks do happen to be good with a computer, identifying them as computer nerds is just being lazy, that’s some sort of a tech geek for you. Of course, this bunch would usually be caught playing some sort of mmorpg(massively multiplayer online role playing game) of which world of warcraft is one…….
Adoption? me? Funneh, really . 😉
You’re making no sense. All I understood from you is that you desperately want me to adopt you.
application for adoption sent…
As usual, you have made your point in an entertaining fashion. You did, however, leave a mystery hanging, which relates to the use of the talcum powder. I do think I’ve got a handle on it, since I recall a rather old joke about fat girls.
I shall leave you to work out the best use of talcum powder in identifying a woman and yes, you may wish to use that old fat girl joke as a reference point. 😉
I wish I’d known the thing about the take out menus! Mine died last summer when I went on vacation. Oh, well. Now I know. Thanks!
It always saddens me when I hear these stories. My friend lost his geek when he left it for a week with nothing but lettuce and in direct sunlight.
One more breed, the one wearing the print of a vintage game system on their tee shirt. These are the geeks that are gamers. They’ve played, criticized and denounced every video game out there. They know all the codes and cheats. They’re members of every message board on gaming out there. Some even believe they’re part of the World of Warcraft world.
Actually, I have my own geek. Not your typical geek, but knows his way around a computer! You would think he’d be happy to help out when one of our computers goes on the blink. But it’s like pulling teeth. Little brat. Like he’s hiding secrets and won’t disclose anything. So we bribe him with not Haribo but Gummy Worms.
Gummy worms are a very good way of cajoling your geek. If it still won’t help then try shutting off the electricity until it agrees to comply.
Oh, I like the way you think!
Aside from occasional value as party entertainment I don’t understand why anyone would want to adopt a person who bites the heads off live chicken. But that’s just me.
They are hilarious when you put them in either the blender or the microwave.
Reader, I married the geek.
Years later, and his collection of futuristic alien soldier t shirts grows ever larger and his fishing flies more varied. His consumption of wargaming fuel (real ale and jaffa cakes) is abdominally evident, and his tan is a thing of myth and legend.
But he knows how to make the laptop function.
And he warms up my pjs between 2 hot water bottles.
I cannot recommend the breed highly enough.
I love hearing from a satisfied customer. Viva la geek!
Sigh. Look at what we have ‘Beauty and the Geek’ to thank for! :0)
A vile show, setting a terrible example to trollops everywhere! Don’t try and change your geek, embrace him just the way he is!
Remember, as the Bible says, the geek shall inherit the earth.
This is great. I already have a geek. Perhaps we should arrange a geek date?
A play date sounds like a marvellous idea! They tend to play best when connected via a headset and the Interweb. It saves on so much train/plane fare, doesn’t it?
Yep, it definitely adds to the geekery. 🙂
Plenty of female geeks, but they only exist in Hollywood movies when the jock dates them for a dare but they turn out to be stunning such is the difference a pair of glasses make.
Isn’t there a geek chic phase on our streets lately, or I am years behind the trends?
I know a Star trek fan who loves Haribo but he doesn’t have the geek look, what’s he hiding?
Those Hollywood geeks couldn’t open an e-mail without calling tech support! I know what you mean though, just add glasses to Angelina Jolie and she’d fit right in at the cyber café.
Your Star Trek/Haribo fan has clearly had a very attentive previous owner who had him properly groomed. Don’t be fooled.
Guess what…I’ve awarded you the Versatile Blogger Award! I guess it’s a little like a blog chain letter, and you can take it or leave it, if you like. Should you decide to accept this award, there are a few things you need to do:
1. Thank me in a blog post, and provide a link back to my blog, http://yourbrainonpandas.com/
2. List 7 things about you that we, your readers may not know. (my favorite part)
3. Pass the award on to 7 more people, with a link to their blogs as part of the list. There may at one time been a requirement to add them to your blogroll, but I can’t remember, as I have procrastinated doing this for long enough that I lost track of the original email instructions.
Be the Bear!
Bob T. Panda
Thanks so much! How terribly kind of you. 🙂
You may not think so when you are doing all the scut work of listing your favorite blogs and all the rest. anyway, love your blog, and look forward to your posts. Be the (British) Bear! (PS Be on the lookout for the torch bears as they make their way back to London for the Olympics.)
You should watch Beauty and The Geek. Catch it on ITV Player if it’s not actually being broadcast at the moment….
I have indeed seen it and those awful little trollops need to be stopped. You don’t need to “improve” a geek, you need to love and cherish him, regardless of how big your boobs are.
What a hilarious concept!
Thanks so much Hook. I never had you down for a geek lover but I’m glad to know you’re on board. Happy geeking!
Hi Peeptoe, thanks for this guide. I’ve been experiencing some frustrations with my geek. Slow response when called, reluctance to perform technological tricks etc. Have tried sweets and beer, they worked for a bit but now they’re not working at all….and neither is he. I thought maybe he was malnourished so I tried vegetables….big mistake. Look, possibly it’s just user error but I’m concerned there’s another predator preying on my geek. Have you experienced this before? Suggestions?
Have you tried turning him off and then turning him on again? 😉
Sounds like you need an upgrade.
Oh! That’s probably the issue! I’ve been turning him on but not off…he must have gone into self shut down…have considered upgrade but then I’d have to reprogram all my personal settings, and transfer all my data…if only they came with wifi huh?