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Supermarket Bingo

Shopping cart on the beach, St. Andrews, Scotland

DISCLAIMER: It doesn't always end well

Owing to the phenomenal success of my stupendously fun Tube Games, I am happy to present to you another in the range of Pretty Feet, Pop Toe fun family favourites; Supermarket Bingo. You all know the rules for Bingo, you sniff a big fat marker pen and the person who gets the highest, shouts “House” or the name of another TV doctor, and they are then declared the winner. Well, in my version, you have to tick off the below list before you can do any shouting. All clear? Marvellous.

Trolleyed Ankles
Why push your own trolley when you can give sole control to one of your hyperactive brats? Allow your children to play dodgems with the heavily loaded cart and wait for the yelps of delight from other shoppers as their ankles take the place of the trolley brakes.

Deli Queue Jump
The delicatessen area of the supermarket has a wonderfully effective ticket dispenser and a darling little numerical board above it to alert customers as to when it’s their turn. This is for amateur shoppers, not for the likes of you. Why wait among the throng of ticket-clutchers when you can get your next Bingo point by jumping in and scoring your sliced ham ahead of 15 other patient amateur shoppers!

Block And Stock
When one half of the aisle is blocked by a shelf stacking minion and their cage of canned beans, position your trolley directly adjacent to the cage while you meander off to search for your full list of items, thus allowing all the other shoppers plenty of time to browse for items they may otherwise have missed, like curried pilchards or Spam, while they wait for your return.

Chase The Date
Why settle for the first pint of milk sat there in the chiller cabinet when there’s bound to be one with an extra day of use-by-date freshness, somewhere in the very back. If only you could find it without taking up the entire dairy aisle and scattering tubs of yoghurt all over the floor, if only… Ignore the irate shoppers trying desperately to grab a carton of semi-skimmed, they’re just annoyed because they know your milk will last a whole 24 hours longer than theirs.

Chat ‘n’ Wait
Select your check out queue carefully. Make sure you pick the one with the friendliest cashier and the oldest little old biddy in front of you, then stand back and mentally count up your parking fine as these two while away the hours, discussing last night’s soap operas, the price of tomatoes and the terrible case of fungal infection that has just taken the foot of one of their nephew’s best friend’s spouses, all while the cashier scans just one solitary packet of digestive biscuits.

Conveyor of Judgement
While at the check-out, why not use your time to judge your fellow shoppers on the basis of their basket contents that sail past you on the conveyor belt. Score a point for each personality type spotted.
1. Frozen pizza, four-pack of beer, can of meatballs, super-cheap toilet roll (guaranteed to give you that finger-to-flesh feeling): The Bachelor
2. Low fat meal-for-one, fat free yoghurt, family size bar of chocolate: The Single Girl
3. Bouquet of flowers, T-bone steak, vintage wine, bandages: The Guilty Husband
4. 15 packets of chicken nuggets, 7 loaves of bread, 10 half eaten multi-packs of crisps: The Woman Who Kept Forgetting Her Contraceptive Pill
5. 12 cans of Diet Coke, 6 bottles of whatever’s-on-offer vino, a bag of lettuce: Pretty Feet, Pop Toe!

Trigger Happy Till
Instead of having to remove your earphones and speak to an actual person, make your way to the self-serve checkout and as you place your scanned item delicately into the bagging area, breathe ever so slightly wrong, thus causing the till system to freak out and some patronising pre-recorded bint to announce “UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA” to everyone, ensuring they all know that you’re an incompetent moron who isn’t even qualified to work a check out and also almost definitely a thief.

Where’s Wallet
You’ve been round the shop, ticked all the grocery items off your list, joined a queue, watched all your items scan through, loaded them all up into bags, and… what’s this? The cashier is looking at you expectantly. What can they want? Money! They want you to pay!!! How silly of you. Don’t worry, no-one in the queue behind you is in a rush so just take your time to find your wallet (I mean, who knew you might need that right about now) and then after you’ve made your payment, take a few moments more to fully restore your card into your wallet and your wallet back into your bag. Hang on, wait just a moment more while you securely fasten eeeeevvvvveeeerrrry zip. Good. Oh, did you remember the reward card?…

Planet Schmanet
Why should you have to carry your single pre-packed sandwich all the way back to the office in your bare hands? People can see your prawn mayo, you know?! A plastic carrier bag will do the job nicely, in fact, those cardboard corners look pretty sharp, why not double bag it?

Hide And S*!@*
Instead of returning your shopping trolley all the way back to the little shopping trolley play pen by the door of the store, why not hide it in a parking spot. What fun for the person who then tries to pull in! 

Have we got a winner? Is that marker ink I can see round your nose? Never mind, you get to pick a prize from the fabulous Reduced Section. You just have to fight your way past the freakishly strong grannies wrestling over a questionable scotch egg and then you can have your choice of: A squashed packet of chopped liver, a family sized mackerel and Stilton quiche that went out of date as of 05:00am this morning, a leaking bottle of strawberry milkshake or a pair of socks, with one sock missing. Congratulations!

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About prettyfeetpoptoe

I live in London and have both my own legs so I am fortunate enough to get out and about on occasion. I form many views on the things that I see and do and love nothing better than a session of linguistic gymnastics in order to share these views.

58 responses »

  1. LMAO! I may try some of these next week!!

    “UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA” YOU HAVE THAT BITCH TOO!!!

    “Please scan your item and place it in the bag”.
    “Do you have any coupons”
    “Please select your payment option”
    “If using cash, please insert coins in the coin acceptor before inserting bills in the bill acceptor”.
    “Take your receipt and any coupons, that were printed just for you!”
    “As always Thank You for shopping at Giant”.

    Can you tell I use the self check out the most!??

    Don’t forget the ladies that have their “eco friendly” reusable shopping bags–all twenty of them–so we who don’t have them can feel inadequate and guilty that we’re not saving the earth.

    Reply
    • oh yes, I have my share of jute bags ….. For demostration purposes. Never.ever. Remember to take ’em with me :-/.

      Reply
    • UNEXPECTED COMMENT IN COMMENT AREA.

      It’s not, is it? It would be unexpected if I DIDN’T put something in the bagging area?

      Do you think she speaks to her husband like that? Probably divorced by now.

      Reply
      • My biggest gripe is if I put my handbag down on the scanner/scale area, I get a message of “unexpected item in SCANNING area”. So I can only do everything with one hand because I’m trying to keep my handbag on my arm or shoulder! WTF? It would make the process go so much faster if I had two hands going, one to scan then pass off to the other to bag! Ok, rant done.

        Yeah, they should revise it to “UGI IN BAGGING AREA” (unidentified grocery item). That would make more sense because it’s basically saying it hasn’t been scanned or identified yet.

        I like that UNEXPECTED COMMENT IN COMMENT AREA! For those WTF comments that catch you off guard!!

        UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT IN VAG AREA! LMAO!!!!

        Reply
        • You don’t actually think they want to make it easy for you?!

          Reply
          • I think it’s a source of entertainment for them! Ever watch a person, like me, struggling to keep the handbag on the shoulder (because you can’t put it down because of the “UNEXPECTED ITEM shit) and scan and bag. It would be so much easier to be able to scan, pass to the left hand and bag. But NOOOOOO.

            Reply
    • Don’t make me use self check out! I don’t understand!!!!!

      Reply
  2. Huuughe fan of House and Laurie for that matter 😦 ….and now it’s gonna end.
    ….. On a slightly more positive note, I’ll always be the kid running around on the trolley (^.^) .
    As for you eating lettuce….. *massive judgement*

    Reply
    • I can safely say that I believe you when you say you’re the kid aiming for everyone’s ankles. I bet you’re also the kid that eats half the contents of the shopping basket and has to scan empty wrappers.

      Reply
      • *massive raspberry* the only time I scanned an emty container is when I was super thirsty and had to drink some water. I’m looking at your ankles poptoe, run ‘n hide……run.and.hide.

        Reply
      • My mom used to give me the small box of “Barnum’s Animal Crackers” on our shopping trips to keep my mouth shut!! Yeah, the empty box had to entered in (this was before scanners! Oh, I’m dating myself here…)

        Reply
  3. Go to Camden Town Sainsburys, the staff are all on some kind of rehabilitation scheme, they’re all mental. You should have seen the face of one when I passed back some food as a bottle of furniture freshener spray had leaked all over it. I think she thought it was a gift, so pleased as she was with the alpine scented onion.

    I’ll fess up to being the milk person though, always rooting down the back for the freshest one.

    Reply
    • I’m in Camden Town Sainsburys almost every day. It’s like a soup made from all the left overs from the genetic dinner table, isn’t it?

      One of them tried engaging me in conversation once about how my day had been. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings with tales of my having friends and such.

      Reply
      • That’s wise you thought of their well being. It’s best they don’t know how the other half live.

        I live 5 minutes away from the Sainsbury’s. You’ll easily spot me around Camden, I’m the giant thumb, always with a smile on his face, I haven’t aged at all since my Gravatar pic was taken.

        Reply
  4. You could’ve provided us with the Bingo card, missy.

    Reply
    • In the intersts of the environment (and my not really caring), I decided you could all make your own. It will be a fun little project for you to do and when you cut your finger and accidentally glue your fingers together, you can think of me and smile! Well, I’ll be smiling, anyway.

      Reply
  5. You’re in top form today, PFPT. The personality types are especially snort-worthy.

    Reply
  6. If you want really good genetic dinner table soup leftovers, Sainsbury’s in Redhill, just south of London, is a fine example of the genre, with a clientele that would delight anthropological researchers with its variety.
    My own supermarket trick, in retaliation for the Where’s Wallet ditherers, is to pointedly extract my debit card/cash while they are faffing about trying to find theirs – passive-aggressively making the statement “YOU might want to hold up the entire queue but I don’t.”

    Reply
    • It seems that none of us are admitting to shopping in ASDA or Lidl where the real soup gathers. 😉

      Always, ALWAYS have your means of payment to hand. On the other hand, while I’m entering my pin number, could the numpty behind me in the queue not stand directly over my shoulder? Wait your turn, chump, I’m pinning as fast as I can!

      Reply
  7. My personal nightmare is the active senior foodies, those dried out bags of bones who have nothing better to do than shuffle along behind their empty carts inspecting every item at length from the comfort of the center of the aisle on a SATURDAY when, as retirees, they could just as easily have called the Access-a-Ride van on any day of the work week when the shops are empty and I’m not in imminent danger of having a grand mal f***g seizure from the stress of trying to get around them, then ahead of them in line.

    Reply
    • Maybe they should dedicate certain times of the day to oldies and families with small children, like the public swimming pools do. That way the normal speed shoppers among us can avoid broken ankles and charges of GBH.

      That said, if I live long enough, I’m sure I shall make a hobby out of screwing everyone else over by shopping as slowly as possible and then coming back home to blog about it, (literally) wetting myself laughing.

      Reply
  8. Aw man, thank God for online shopping from Tesco is all I’m gonna say.

    Reply
  9. Diego Serrano

    Bingo!
    I believe I achieved a perfect score.

    Reply
    • Quick, pick your prize! We’ve just added some dazzling new items: a dented tin of Goblin Meat Pudding, a bottle of shampoo without a lid and some mushrooms (growing in a packet of ham).

      Reply
      • Diego Serrano

        Sadly, I have all those things now. 😦

        Reply
        • Wow, you must be REALLY good at this game. How about a tin of kidney beans from 1976? Manager’s special!

          Reply
          • Diego Serrano

            I’ll take them.
            Why?
            Because as if in the grips of a sudden munchie onset so pronounced I’m usually willing to eat anything, I know that microwaving something this old for an extra five or so minutes should kill off any new strains of life threatening diseases.
            Please send them UPS at your earliest convenience.
            Best,
            Diego

            Reply
  10. Outstanding – lots of chuckles here

    Reply
  11. I’m glad this is an international phenomenon. ( course in ammurica, we mostly have great big free parking lots, except of course if you are in the city.)

    Reply
  12. Apparently BBC3 have commissioned a one off drama about a transvestite who finds romance whilst working at Sainsbury’s. It’s called ‘Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area’.

    Reply

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