Owing to the phenomenal success of my stupendously fun Tube Games, I am happy to present to you another in the range of Pretty Feet, Pop Toe fun family favourites; Supermarket Bingo. You all know the rules for Bingo, you sniff a big fat marker pen and the person who gets the highest, shouts “House” or the name of another TV doctor, and they are then declared the winner. Well, in my version, you have to tick off the below list before you can do any shouting. All clear? Marvellous.
Why push your own trolley when you can give sole control to one of your hyperactive brats? Allow your children to play dodgems with the heavily loaded cart and wait for the yelps of delight from other shoppers as their ankles take the place of the trolley brakes.
Deli Queue Jump
The delicatessen area of the supermarket has a wonderfully effective ticket dispenser and a darling little numerical board above it to alert customers as to when it’s their turn. This is for amateur shoppers, not for the likes of you. Why wait among the throng of ticket-clutchers when you can get your next Bingo point by jumping in and scoring your sliced ham ahead of 15 other
patient amateur shoppers!
Block And Stock
When one half of the aisle is blocked by a shelf stacking minion and their cage of canned beans, position your trolley directly adjacent to the cage while you meander off to search for your full list of items, thus allowing all the other shoppers plenty of time to browse for items they may otherwise have missed, like curried pilchards or Spam, while they wait for your return.
Chase The Date
Why settle for the first pint of milk sat there in the chiller cabinet when there’s bound to be one with an extra day of use-by-date freshness, somewhere in the very back. If only you could find it without taking up the entire dairy aisle and scattering tubs of yoghurt all over the floor, if only… Ignore the irate shoppers trying desperately to grab a carton of semi-skimmed, they’re just annoyed because they know your milk will last a whole 24 hours longer than theirs.
Chat ‘n’ Wait
Select your check out queue carefully. Make sure you pick the one with the friendliest cashier and the oldest little old biddy in front of you, then stand back and mentally count up your parking fine as these two while away the hours, discussing last night’s soap operas, the price of tomatoes and the terrible case of fungal infection that has just taken the foot of one of their nephew’s best friend’s spouses, all while the cashier scans just one solitary packet of digestive biscuits.
Conveyor of Judgement
While at the check-out, why not use your time to judge your fellow shoppers on the basis of their basket contents that sail past you on the conveyor belt. Score a point for each personality type spotted.
1. Frozen pizza, four-pack of beer, can of meatballs, super-cheap toilet roll (guaranteed to give you that finger-to-flesh feeling): The Bachelor
2. Low fat meal-for-one, fat free yoghurt, family size bar of chocolate: The Single Girl
3. Bouquet of flowers, T-bone steak, vintage wine, bandages: The Guilty Husband
4. 15 packets of chicken nuggets, 7 loaves of bread, 10 half eaten multi-packs of crisps: The Woman Who Kept Forgetting Her Contraceptive Pill
5. 12 cans of Diet Coke, 6 bottles of whatever’s-on-offer vino, a bag of lettuce: Pretty Feet, Pop Toe!
Trigger Happy Till
Instead of having to remove your earphones and speak to an actual person, make your way to the self-serve checkout and as you place your scanned item delicately into the bagging area, breathe ever so slightly wrong, thus causing the till system to freak out and some patronising pre-recorded bint to announce “UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA” to everyone, ensuring they all know that you’re an incompetent moron who isn’t even qualified to work a check out and also almost definitely a thief.
You’ve been round the shop, ticked all the grocery items off your list, joined a queue, watched all your items scan through, loaded them all up into bags, and… what’s this? The cashier is looking at you expectantly. What can they want? Money! They want you to pay!!! How silly of you. Don’t worry, no-one in the queue behind you is in a rush so just take your time to find your wallet (I mean, who knew you might need that right about now) and then after you’ve made your payment, take a few moments more to fully restore your card into your wallet and your wallet back into your bag. Hang on, wait just a moment more while you securely fasten eeeeevvvvveeeerrrry zip. Good. Oh, did you remember the reward card?…
Why should you have to carry your single pre-packed sandwich all the way back to the office in your bare hands? People can see your prawn mayo, you know?! A plastic carrier bag will do the job nicely, in fact, those cardboard corners look pretty sharp, why not double bag it?
Hide And S*!@*
Instead of returning your shopping trolley all the way back to the little shopping trolley play pen by the door of the store, why not hide it in a parking spot. What fun for the person who then tries to pull in!
Have we got a winner? Is that marker ink I can see round your nose? Never mind, you get to pick a prize from the fabulous Reduced Section. You just have to fight your way past the freakishly strong grannies wrestling over a questionable scotch egg and then you can have your choice of: A squashed packet of chopped liver, a family sized mackerel and Stilton quiche that went out of date as of 05:00am this morning, a leaking bottle of strawberry milkshake or a pair of socks, with one sock missing. Congratulations!