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Monthly Archives: May 2012

The PFPT Totally Accurate Horoscopes

The zodiac signs as shown in a 16th-century wo...

To work out your star sign, just pick the one that most looks like you.

I don’t know what it is but I’ve come over all psychic this week. Ordinarily I would think that zodiacs and horoscopes are a load of old toot but I think the stars may have aligned with my rising Diet Coke or something, so while I’m channelling the celestial wotsits and all their mighty wisdom, I’m going to give you your year ahead according to the artificially constructed concept of the date you were born.

Aquarius
As the water bearer, you will suffer terrible cystitis over the next twelve months. You probably should go for a wee when you first need to and not hold it in, like your mum told you.  On the bright side, it’s on your 15th trip to the doctor that you bump into the love of your life, waiting to have their irritable bowel syndrome seen to, and you start up a multi-million pound business making vajazzle-encrusted adult nappies together.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Pisces
Those born under the sign of the fish will spend the next twelve months facing tough decisions – will it be red, or white wine tonight? Mars will be of little help as it runs off with your decanter in August.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Aries
As a headstrong and determined character, you will use your deep inner belief system to cultivate and nourish some personal business ventures. They all go terribly wrong though and you end up spending Christmas dressed as an effeminate elf, begging for soggy chips and loose change outside the post office in Bognor Regis.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Taurus
As an aspiring writer, the start of the year sees you getting a foot on the ladder of the literary world but then you oversleep and lose the paper round to a 12 year old. Further attempts to get your book published are set back when the 53rd publisher tells you that the world isn’t quite ready for “Cheeses of The Human Body – How To Grow Your Own”.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Gemini
Mercury and Uranus do something like a cross between the rumba and krumping in your 5th house that leaves you thoroughly confused around October time. Don’t worry though because Pluto knows exactly how you feel, what with being a planet one day and not the next, and as such, sends you a lovely little greeting card with a picture of an ickle fluffy kitty on the front saying “Hang In There”. Aww, isn’t that nice.

No travel for you, your legs fall off next month.

Cancer
A year of family harmony for you cancerians is what I see. Mainly because they throw you out on the street and rent your room to foreign exchange students. You can take a lovely feeling of contentment from all this though because for the first time ever, your family actually agreed upon something – that they hate you.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Leo
As the most sociable sign of the zodiac, it’s only natural that friendships play a very important role in your life over the coming twelve months. It’s only surprising that your friends are stupid enough not to notice that you’re stealing money from their wallets when you offer to watch their bags on nights out. Mind you, kudos to you for picking chums gullible enough to believe that “a pigeon” swooped down and took it, every single time.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Virgo
A year of identity issues for you – one month you’re a bald man with a beard, then you’re a woman with glasses and then the next month you’re a ginger bloke! No, you’re not going to become a spy, you’re going to become the local champion at the monthly ‘Guess Who?’ tournaments. What fun!

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Libra
Librans will all develop a strange fetish for men dressed entirely in white in the coming months. Terrible news during cricket season, as a series of pitch invasions see you all carted off to the funny farm where more men in white then have you sectioned and don’t once let you touch.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Scorpio
Love and exercise are key to you lot over the next twelve months as you begin a relationship with your personal trainer. Things turn sour though, when they catch you in McDonalds stuffing handfuls of burger into your face and you confess you never really liked stomach crunches and that you cheated at spinning. There’s a silver lining though, you find half a mouse in your Big Mac, receive a huge settlement cheque and can afford lipo.

Yeah, that travel thing.

Sagittarius
Oh dear Sagittarians, someone’s been naughty! You really should have been more careful about what you put into that internet search engine because now you’re on a register for something nasty. Jupiter wafts into your finances and convinces you that bribery is the best course of action and you end up having to shower in the company of strangers for 18-20. Silly Jupiter.

Funnily enough, I don’t see travel being a strong feature of your year, what with the prison thing.

Capricorn
The dullest sign of the lot and that is why absolutely nothing will happen to you over the next twelve months. You might want to try partying once in a while, let your hair down, try cocaine! Actually, don’t try cocaine, you’d only bore people to death with endless tales of your dealer’s halitosis.

Yeah, travel for you too although more likely to be to the corner shop than Colombia.

There you have it folks, you know it all makes sense as I have utilised the ancient art of zodiaising and have even used the special names for each of the 12 funny sign thingies which each and every one of you falls oh so conveniently into. Totally legitimate and I can’t wait to get all your letters of thanks this time next year. Except for Pisces, you’ll all be dead from liver failure.

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