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The PFPT Totally Accurate Horoscopes

The zodiac signs as shown in a 16th-century wo...

To work out your star sign, just pick the one that most looks like you.

I don’t know what it is but I’ve come over all psychic this week. Ordinarily I would think that zodiacs and horoscopes are a load of old toot but I think the stars may have aligned with my rising Diet Coke or something, so while I’m channelling the celestial wotsits and all their mighty wisdom, I’m going to give you your year ahead according to the artificially constructed concept of the date you were born.

Aquarius
As the water bearer, you will suffer terrible cystitis over the next twelve months. You probably should go for a wee when you first need to and not hold it in, like your mum told you.  On the bright side, it’s on your 15th trip to the doctor that you bump into the love of your life, waiting to have their irritable bowel syndrome seen to, and you start up a multi-million pound business making vajazzle-encrusted adult nappies together.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Pisces
Those born under the sign of the fish will spend the next twelve months facing tough decisions – will it be red, or white wine tonight? Mars will be of little help as it runs off with your decanter in August.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Aries
As a headstrong and determined character, you will use your deep inner belief system to cultivate and nourish some personal business ventures. They all go terribly wrong though and you end up spending Christmas dressed as an effeminate elf, begging for soggy chips and loose change outside the post office in Bognor Regis.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Taurus
As an aspiring writer, the start of the year sees you getting a foot on the ladder of the literary world but then you oversleep and lose the paper round to a 12 year old. Further attempts to get your book published are set back when the 53rd publisher tells you that the world isn’t quite ready for “Cheeses of The Human Body – How To Grow Your Own”.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Gemini
Mercury and Uranus do something like a cross between the rumba and krumping in your 5th house that leaves you thoroughly confused around October time. Don’t worry though because Pluto knows exactly how you feel, what with being a planet one day and not the next, and as such, sends you a lovely little greeting card with a picture of an ickle fluffy kitty on the front saying “Hang In There”. Aww, isn’t that nice.

No travel for you, your legs fall off next month.

Cancer
A year of family harmony for you cancerians is what I see. Mainly because they throw you out on the street and rent your room to foreign exchange students. You can take a lovely feeling of contentment from all this though because for the first time ever, your family actually agreed upon something – that they hate you.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Leo
As the most sociable sign of the zodiac, it’s only natural that friendships play a very important role in your life over the coming twelve months. It’s only surprising that your friends are stupid enough not to notice that you’re stealing money from their wallets when you offer to watch their bags on nights out. Mind you, kudos to you for picking chums gullible enough to believe that “a pigeon” swooped down and took it, every single time.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Virgo
A year of identity issues for you – one month you’re a bald man with a beard, then you’re a woman with glasses and then the next month you’re a ginger bloke! No, you’re not going to become a spy, you’re going to become the local champion at the monthly ‘Guess Who?’ tournaments. What fun!

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Libra
Librans will all develop a strange fetish for men dressed entirely in white in the coming months. Terrible news during cricket season, as a series of pitch invasions see you all carted off to the funny farm where more men in white then have you sectioned and don’t once let you touch.

I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

Scorpio
Love and exercise are key to you lot over the next twelve months as you begin a relationship with your personal trainer. Things turn sour though, when they catch you in McDonalds stuffing handfuls of burger into your face and you confess you never really liked stomach crunches and that you cheated at spinning. There’s a silver lining though, you find half a mouse in your Big Mac, receive a huge settlement cheque and can afford lipo.

Yeah, that travel thing.

Sagittarius
Oh dear Sagittarians, someone’s been naughty! You really should have been more careful about what you put into that internet search engine because now you’re on a register for something nasty. Jupiter wafts into your finances and convinces you that bribery is the best course of action and you end up having to shower in the company of strangers for 18-20. Silly Jupiter.

Funnily enough, I don’t see travel being a strong feature of your year, what with the prison thing.

Capricorn
The dullest sign of the lot and that is why absolutely nothing will happen to you over the next twelve months. You might want to try partying once in a while, let your hair down, try cocaine! Actually, don’t try cocaine, you’d only bore people to death with endless tales of your dealer’s halitosis.

Yeah, travel for you too although more likely to be to the corner shop than Colombia.

There you have it folks, you know it all makes sense as I have utilised the ancient art of zodiaising and have even used the special names for each of the 12 funny sign thingies which each and every one of you falls oh so conveniently into. Totally legitimate and I can’t wait to get all your letters of thanks this time next year. Except for Pisces, you’ll all be dead from liver failure.

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About prettyfeetpoptoe

I live in London and have both my own legs so I am fortunate enough to get out and about on occasion. I form many views on the things that I see and do and love nothing better than a session of linguistic gymnastics in order to share these views.

45 responses »

  1. I’m an Aquarius, poor me!

    Reply
  2. Very amusing. Probably true. Aries: begging for soggy chips and loose change outside the post office. I graduate in December, my degree is in Spanish, I live in New Zealand, and so this is more likely than you will ever know.

    Reply
  3. It seems to be an even distribution of your issues 😛 . I’m guessing piscean here.

    Reply
    • “Issues”?! You mean finest character traits. You only think I’m a pisces because you know of my drink fuelled tweets. You should know better, if I don’t have a birthday, how can I have a star sign?

      Reply
  4. I don’t get it. I thought I was going to get to travel the world, but instead you say I’m going to be dead from liver failure! Wha????

    Aw, screw it. I don’t believe in astrology anyway. I definitely shouldn’t let it stop me from drinking wine and booking trips I can’t really afford.

    Reply
  5. Hilarious! Just realized the accuracy of this wittering.

    Reply
  6. Aquarius here. Actually, in spite of the troubles, I prefer yours over “you will meet someone special in the next two weeks” or “a job opportunity is on the horizon”. At least, things are happening! Oh, and elves are kinda cute.
    Scott

    Reply
  7. Nooooo!!!!! What if I don’t want to travel? The losing my legs or going to jail options don’t appeal to me either. Can I become an Capricornian instead? Travelling to the corner shop sounds do-able. But I’m not sure of the astrology rules, am I allowed to convert to a different sign?

    Reply
    • This is astrology according to me, you can TOTALLY change! People lie anout their date of birth all the time and most think that’s to do with their age – it’s not, it’s so they can avoid the dictatorship of the mystics. Have fun picking your new star sign but remember, changing more than once a month just makes you a psycho (the thirteenth, seldom mentioned sign).

      Reply
  8. missy amber

    Always felt I’m a secret Capricornian at heart. But it is handy having a birthday a bit futher away from Christmas, I suppose. Best get cracking with that cheese book.

    Reply
  9. Librans will all develop a strange fetish for men dressed entirely in white in the coming months. Terrible news during cricket season, as a series of pitch invasions see you all carted off to the funny farm where more men in white then have you sectioned and don’t once let you touch.

    I see travel being a strong feature of your year.

    I have a feeling that the funny farm has been reading my blog then …guess my travel will be to the funny farm hope I can take lap top and tell funny blogs from there…

    Reply
    • I’ll check with Saturn and get back to you on the laptop but yeah, the funny farm and Jupiter have been snooping through your blog and your diary. Nosy gits.

      Reply
  10. You know, I always knew the one thing my family could agree on was their intense hatred of me. I am glad it is finally going to come out! Been hiding in that closet for far too long!

    Reply
    • Gives you a nice warm feeling, doesn’t it? The fact you’ve been able to unite your family over this point. You should reward yourself, have a nice chilled glass of meths. (That’s all you’ll be able to afford after the 24th July).

      Reply
      • I do enjoy a nice glass of paintstripper. I work in a hardware store, so I can get discount!
        Your witterings have me in stitches good woman, join me in a glass!

        I also like this idea where you don’t have a birthday. I like to think I never was a child, but grew from a spore of moldy bread (the BEST moldy bread mind you) fulled formed as a sentient-intelligent-wine-loving adult.

        Mayhaps we instead of having “birth/sporing days” instead treat everyday like one and have a party! Booze required.

        Reply
        • See my post on The Secret To Eternal Youth. Birthday cake causes wrinkles, fact. I stopped having birthdays years ago and that, combined with pickling myself in alcohol, means I shall never age a day!

          I like your spore theory, that’s really using your loaf! (sorry, even I’m embarrassed by that.)

          Reply
  11. Uncanny – what you predicted for me is exactly true. Are you related to Chubster Grant by any chance? Spooky. Bit bleak for cheese themed authors though. Shame. As always loved it (But you would have known that anyway you being Psychic an’ all).

    Reply
  12. You’re a riot!

    Reply
  13. Nothing clever to say but I love it.

    Reply
  14. charmedbylove

    Pisces here, hopefully this doesn’t turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy!!! Pisces economic crises!

    Reply
  15. Diego Serrano

    You may want to amend Scorpio.
    I have it on good information most of us will die at the hands of someone from our past, presumably someone we fucked-over proper and who’s now living out their remaining days in life’s shallows, hell bent on revenge.
    Then there’s that sex thing too.

    Reply
  16. Very well done.. again!

    Reply
  17. I’m an Aries and that seems pretty legit. Soggy chips are all I ever wanted for Christmas, really. This year might be my year!

    Reply
  18. Hi folks
    if you want to know something about real astrology, not the trivial stuff peddled in the popular media which has been so wittily and effectively satirised here, check out Not the Astrology Column – http://anne-whitaker.com/column/ : the rather interesting tale of how a dismissive, ill-informed maligner of a great and ancient art turned into a devoted and admiring practitioner……

    Reply
  19. As a Gemini I must say I feel your are dead on ( spot on?) Either way right on target. My psychic friend tells me you know more than you let on.

    Reply

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