I beg your pardon? I didn’t quite hear you the first 10 decibels.
“Coughs and sneezes spread diseases”. They also bring you out in bruises. Why? because if not managed correctly, people like myself will shove a cattle prod up your rear end, causing you to “accidentally” fall down some stairs, that’s why.
We’re into that niche 364 day period fondly known as “cold ‘n’ flu season” and this brings out the very worst in people in terms of the very picky, I mean tricky, subject of nasal etiquette. I have identified the worst of the offenders in terms of nasal airs and graces so that we, as a collective, can target them mercilessly and help them torture them barbarically until they relent.
In case you’re wondering how qualified I am for doling out brutal hooter etiquette based judgement, I once went to tea with the Queen in her back garden during hayfever season and lived to sneeze another day. I also own a nose. Sound credentials, I think you’ll agree.
My number one reason for wishing that my Oyster card came with a complimentary cattle prod, is The Sniffer. This is a person so determined to hang on to their nasal mucus, that they turn every inhalation into an audibly wet sniff. These people are the sole reason that headphones were invented, as Mr Sony found himself stuck on a very long train ride next to someone with a particularly heavy head cold and an aversion to tissues. Seeing as the cattle prod was already invented, he invented the Walkman to drown out the sniffling.
The Sniffer may not realise how utterly maddening and vile their moist Darth Vader impression is, and, as I have discovered, they do not take ‘subtle’ hints. I recently found myself next to one such soggy nosed buffoon on my morning commute. Faced with two choices; offer a prized tissue (they have balsam on them, I’m not made of money!) or waste my cattle prod battery, I proffered for the tissue. She refused. That’s right, this human kitchen tap actually refused a pristine, balm-enriched tissue in favour of a mucusy beatbox performance. I should have gone with the cattle prod.
The Sniffer is usually only a periodic offender, unlike The Snorter. I know of this type only too well as I grew up in a house with one. To my shame, my father is a snorter. I’m still waiting on the test results to come back, confirming whether or not I’ve inherited the full gene or if I’m merely a carrier. Either way, it’s a deep dark shame that I am only now able to admit to.
The Snorter will punctuate your day with a hefty draw of air through their inner facial membranes, sounding much like a chainsaw going through a bowl of lumpy custard. Every half hour. This person has decided that “sinus problems” are a genuine excuse for providing a lovely family meal or romantic stroll in the park with the soundtrack of a ravenous pig rooting through entrails.
The Snorter seems to think that their condition is a magical one and that no nose blowing or doctor’s consultation can provide a cure. Amazing. They do have some uses though – you can dispense with your roosters and alarm clocks with one of these ripping through your slumber at 06:00am prompt, and you’ll be sure to drop at least half a stone if you dine with a Snorter. Nothing puts you off a bowl of pea and ham soup quite like a sound resembling someone inhaling a bowl of pea and ham soup.
The third of the nasal offenders who leave me wishing that cattle prods came in ‘handbag size’, are another lot who don’t see the point in a handypack of tissues; The Handwiper. This person is fully aware that their nose is producing a slew of unwanted moisture, but unlike the rest of the civilised world, they seem to believe that the back of their hand has absorbent and anti-bacterial qualities.
You may think that yes, this is quite repulsive to watch but not reeeeeally so bad a crime, but hold on dear reader, look again and you’ll see that this vile little snot rag has realised they have used up every ‘absorbent’ inch of the backs of their hands and have resorted to smearing their fingers and palms with nasal mucus instead. After watching this, think back to how many hands you’ve shaken this week, how many handrails and door handles you’ve touched. Now think how much you enjoyed licking your fingers after that really delicious sandwich at lunch. You’re welcome.
Next up in the rogues gallery of nasal etiquette miscreants is The Shouter. I’m not talking about the lady who enjoys her bedtime companion a little too vocally, I’m talking about the person who seems utterly incapable of sneezing without knocking every person within a 2 mile radius off their feet with the sonic boom.
Apparently, while the majority of us are able to satisfy our nasal irritations with a mere eek of a squeak, The Shouter feels the need to announce to all and sundry that their nose is having a Tickle Me Elmo moment, by actually shouting the word “ACHOO”. I have several colleagues who perform this ear-splitting routine daily and I swear they shout their sneezes so hard, the word can be seen in a Batman comic style ‘KAPOW’ bubble. Humans seem to manage to control all other bodily noise eruptions (other than in comedy stuck-in-lift moments) so why not this one? A cattle prod up the bum would certainly give them something to shout about!
Everyone picks their nose and if you don’t, you’re missing out on one of your body’s greatest gifts, however, there is a time and place for such zealous facial mining and while in public is most definitely not it. The Green-Gold Digger seems to think that they are shrouded by a cloak of invisibility, activated as soon as they insert an inquisitive digit into their nugget encrusted nasal cavity, regardless of where they are.
Whenever I see a Green-Gold Digger knuckle-deep, I feel the urge to shout “pick me a winner!”, but that would mean talking to them. Instead, I like to maintain a steely gaze of accusation and loathing, in a bid to make them think twice before wiping it on the seat, flicking it into the unknown (aka onto a passing stranger’s leg) or worse still, popping it into their mouth as a tasty mid-morning chew. I mean really, have these people never heard of gum?!
If you can think of worse nasal etiquette criminals, then by all means, please do name and shame, but for now, I’m going to suggest that we take our cattle prods to the streets and rid the world of these honking, tooting, sniffling, rooting vile affronts to human nature. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the patent office with my designs for the ‘cattle prod-nasal hair trimmer’.
Pretty Feet, Pop Toe 
From Mr. Sony’s Walkman to “the lady who enjoys her bedtime companion a little too vocally,” it is all too wonderful. Never before have I enjoyed nasal hygenie (or lack thereof) so much. Brilliant piece.
That should be “hygiene” not “hy genie.” But say “hi” to her nevertheless.
She says hi back and wonders why you never call her anymore.
Gross but very funny! I should introduce you to ‘The Pig’, my daughter’s beagle. She is, I believe, directly related to The Snorter…causing me many sleepless nights. Oh, and we call her The Pig since she snorts (all day long) like a pig looking for truffles…
I never knew thw snorter gene ran in the animal kingdom too! It’s like an audible version of swine flu, passing from beast to man and back again!
Another gem of a piece, PFPT! *thumbs up*
*bogey-free high five*
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! 😀
Thanks very much! It’s becoming a dirty habit. 😉
You need to share this dirty secret with me! :p
If I knew, I’d bottle it and sell it for a vast sum.
Snorting is just the preparatory event, dislodging the ammunition and loading the chamber. But the Hawker completes the whole assault, ratcheting out a wad of mucus-fire on the unsuspecting (if we’re lucky) pavement.
I love it when a gust of karmic wind slaps it right back all over their chin. Hoorah for vindictive atmospheric pressure changes.
As usual,Snort,Snort! – bull’s eye. This post has the ear-splitting shriek of truth about it…..
I like to think that beneath my humour lies a successful campaign for world leadership.
Ooohhh disgusting, the thought sends shivers down my spine. Unfortunately, I work part-time in a pharmacy, which means we get the lot, and what’s worse, because they’re sick they think they can get away with it.
My favourite (read: sarcasm) moment was a couple of weeks ago on the tram when I noticed a couple in their twenties standing together. All well and good, until the man decided to pick his nose and then proceed to eat his findings. And to think she was probably going to kiss him not soon after…
Working in a pharmacy should mean you get trained in the effective use of a cattle prod on day one! I hope they showed you how to get maximum efficacy by the application to the bottom.
Worse than the fact this girl will probably kiss him, she will also probably let him infect her with his seed and produce more bogey munching cretins. We’re doomed, DOOMED!
Oh no, I hadn’t even considered the evolution factor! Darwin must be turning in his grave as we speak
Spinning like washing machine on coke!
Don’t bother with any patented machine just swing the axe at these feckers necks – drives me potty and yeah that is the sole point of Walkmans et al – I had a Belinda Carlisle tape stuck in one once, don’t ask – but at least it drowned out the winter snivelling season. “Heaven is a Place On Earth”? My arse it is.
An axe is just so uncouth, so brutal, so vulgar. I love it.
Too funny. I never thought about this before! What will you be blogging about next?
This is a very good question, one I ask myself every week while sobbing blank-mindedly into my sauvignon blanc. 😉
That should be interesting. http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
Perhaps, a “training” helmet is what’s needed. It can be set so that it fits on the head and to the edges of the nostrils in such a way that the moisture of mucus (on finger or blown) will connect an electrical circuit hooked to a portable charge in which the end is already … um … inserted. i just thought, since you were already on your way to the patent office…
Scott
I will be nominating you for an award tomorrow on my post.
Rules will be there. Congrats!
Scott
Thanks Scott! I’ll swing by once I’ve done replying.
Nice idea but I like to be able to see the agonised look of terror on someone’s face as I plunge a cattle prod into their flesh. You know, the personal touch. 😉
Hm, never thought of that…makes sense.
There’s another that’s completely revolting. They plug one nostril and blow snot out the other. I’ve seen people blow it onto sidewalks, vegetation and even their hands. I don’t understand how people can be so utterly disgusting *shudders*
We used to call those snot rockets… LOL (what can I say, I hung out with a lot of boys)
I didn’t think this was all too common of the football pitch, until leaving my flat yesterday when someone on a mountain bike flew past and pulled the one-nostril snot shot. It was a drive-by snotting!
Too funny for words! And so true. I used to be a Sniffer until I went to college and sat in a history class and listened to others sniff throughout the entire test. It was so distracting that I went and bought those little packs of tissues so I would no longer be Sniffer. Now my purses all have their own package and my car has a box! A thousand blessings on the head of the tissue inventor!
The handi-pack – the one thing that can save you from cattle prod burn.
Holy crap, this cracked me up! I have to admit to being a “snorter” but usually to the end that I can spit out said mucus causing me issues. At times I am amazed by the sinuses capacity. But I’ll spare you that. I have a neighbor (my senile stalker that I like to write about) who sat over my neighbor’s house picking his nose and flicking it… Charming, right? Senility or merely the sense of entitlement that seems to accompany old age for so many? I dunno, but it’s plenty disgusting.
When I’m older, I intend to make it my business to pick my nose, fart and belch at the dinner table. By older, I mean next week.
Sweet! When I first met my husband I laid down a few ground rules. Belching is fine, but farting with reckless abandon is a no-no. I don’t want to hear him bust ass and then half an hour later be like, “Heeeey, baby… hubba hubba”
I need my husband to see this – maybe then he’ll realise it’s not just me who can’t erase the memories of skanky bodily functions when attempting to rekindle some vestige or romance. Sooooo not helped by his other favourite hobby – drop-kicking his underpants into the laundry basket from across the bedroom. Sexy!
Haha! To be sure. I’m sure I have some habits that annoy Hubs, and I’m not always exactly ladylike, but I try to keep a smidgen of decorum. And hubs has a bad habit of not shaving or clipping his nails enough. When you see someone all the time, I guess it’s NEVER perfect, but to some degree men always seem to expect their women to keep them “interested” and take care of themselves, so why shouldn’t the men have to do it too?
I had a great laugh reading this, so THANK YOU!
During my Calculus 2 final exam in college I had the dubious honor of sitting next to a Snorter who regaled us with his bodily noise (I kid you not) every 30 seconds. I completed my exam as quickly as possible, and to this day I blame him for the B. Should have been an A.
Congrats on FP. It’s a wild ride.
If you’d had a shouter, it could have been a D!
Thanks. Surprised to get FPd – for a third time!!! Woo hoo!
Three times? Truly, I bow down to you. But you write great stuff so I’m not surprised.
Thanks. 🙂
absolutely loved it. you have a gift for writing and humor 🙂 God bless
Thank you so much, it really is a labour of love. 🙂
I never travel anywhere without a pocket tissue or two and, in the colder months, a handkerchief. How do other people get by without them? Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post and love your writing style. You’re a wag and a card, my dear.
So glad to hear you travel fully stocked, my daily commute could do with more like you.
Or more cattle prods.
i have long wondered where it is that Snot comes from…and why there is alway an abundant amount. I tried to get my son to do his 8th grade science project on Snot, but he opted for the ‘science’ of potatoe guns…
lol nice try
Thus proving that classic adag; youth and a healthy curiosity for nasal productions are wasted on the young.
Reading about the “handwiper” actually made me gag. Well done! haha
If that made you gag, definitely stay away from my Horror of Handshakes piece!
That was hilarious!
For me, a prime offender is the Cloth Hankie Carrier. Seriously, cloth hankies in this day and age?!
Seeing people blow their nose into one of those archaic snot rags and then stick it back into their pocket only to pull it out later and stick their face right back into it to blow their nose again is truly cringe worthy to me.
That they wonder why they stay sick so long when they willingly eschew simple, but effective hygienic progress like single use paper hankies is something that just makes me shake my head.
I used to have a friend who used cloth hankies and would get vicious colds, I told him to trade in the cloth hankie for paper ones. He asked why and I told him the principle was similar to why you only use a condom once but that went right over his head.
Condoms are single use? Now you tell me! 😉
Cloth hankies are good for 2 things. Stuffing grannies sleeves, and being pulled out of top pockets by dandies and fops, to slap each other round the faces while challenging each other to a duel. You get that a lot round here.
Beautifully written, brilliantly categorized. Nasal offenders beware….we here in New York City are just as annoyed and ready to take action! Stocking up on inexpensive tissues and a cattle prod as I write.
Thanks!
Tissues and cattle prods all round! The only question left is which cattle prod goes best with my leopard print high heels…
Hahaha. This is great and timely.
Thanks so much. I should have brought shares in cattle prods.
I laughed from beginning to end. Brilliant!!
I just hope you didn’t laugh so hard you snorted! 😉
I may have…but I’m not telling!! 🙂
bwahahaha THE ONLY ONE YOU FORGOT WAS THE ONE SIDED CONSTRUCTION WORKER BLAST!!! Its a winner with the extra beauty of a REAL VISUAL and enough disgust to make you jump back, getting in your cardio for the day! hehehehe
I saw a variation of this yesterday. A vulgar little oik on his mountain bike did it on the move. A drive-by snotting!
OH ICK …LOL
I died the whole way through. All of these are SO TRUE! Congrats on FP!
Please don’t die, I’ll have to answer so many questions, there will be press, there will be a funeral. I’m not sure I even have time to buy a new black dress.
Nasal offenders are the world over, living in their snot filled oblivion.
As long as there are noses, people will misuse them. Maybe the solution is to ban noses!
Something akin to circumcision? i.e. the removal of useless skin. Hmmm could do the same with ears, people pick and do all sorts with them too!
It’s all starting to sound like the premise of an Orwellian horror film. I call dibs on selling the rights!
Absolutely hilarious! I had tears streaming down my face by the time I got to “nugget encrusted”! So funny it was unbelievable!
Careful, all those tears may lead to you getting eye bogeys and that’s a whoooole new blog piece. 😉
How about the Snot Rocket? You know, when they hold one side shut and shoot the snot onto the ground. Gross.
I had thought it was mainly restricted to over-paid football players until it almost landed on my feet yesterday in a mountain bike drive-by snotting. I was just so annoyed that I’d left my cattle prod in my other handbag.
I’m laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes! I work in retail and see the lot. One day a man came in with two yellow candles hanging out of his nose. He leaned on the shop counter to ask me questions. As he was speaking one candle slowly, slowly started descending like a slow-mo waterfall until it landed with a splat on my shop counter! It then continued to pool there while he kept on speaking. When he finally left (without buying anything, typical!) I got out the rubber gloves and disinfectant! I love retail!
Holy shit, that’s nasty! You should’ve told him right then and there!
Yeah I know. In hindsight I’ve thought of all sorts of clever things to say. At the time I was just frozen in horror. I stood there like an idiot
Hah. Well there’s always a next time. 🙂
Definitely time to put out the “We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service” sign when people like that walk in the door.
Next time, gently place your hand round the back of their head and SMASH THEIR FACE INTO THE SNOTTY COUNTER! It makes more mess but cleaning it up is SO much more satisfying.
This was so brilliant, I haven’t laughed so much and so hard in such a long time, I had forgotten how silly I sound when I lose control of my hysterical giggles. Thank you!
That’s your cardio done for the week! 😉
I live with a Snorter. #2 worst.
As the child of one, you have my deepest sympathies. Stay strong, we can get through this together with patience, understanding. And several hundred volts!
so hilarious…as are the keywords you used to tag this post with. you should probably do a follow-up post on the etiquette of swallowing graciously. anyone else with me who hates loud swallowers/those who make various mouth noises? just me??
Nope, it’s not just you.
You can tell someone to eat with their mouth closed, but it’s pointless if they chew loudly or make so many other god awful noises while getting the food down.
I like to “ask” people to eat with their mouth closed by administering a biro to the neck with great force. Gets the message across rather nicely and cuts the noises right out.
Noises while eating are utterly unforgivable and punishable by having the mouth sewn shut with barbed wire.
It’s not cruel or overdramatic, they have to learn. 😉
glad i’m not alone.
Brilliant!
Thanks!
Great post:)
Thank you so much. 🙂
Ah, it’s funny ’cause it’s true! So, so true….and so, so funny. Congrats on the FP!
If this is funny because it’s true, do you think I could use that as my defence when I’m up in court for truly ramming a cattle prod up someone’s pooper?
Okay, maybe not. But if anyone can pull it off, I bet you can!
Hah hah- I laughed till I cried. Full disclosure: I am a Shouter. Thank you for enlightening me to the distress my condition causes others. Hilarious stuff 🙂
Don’t feel bad about being a shouter, just please stand at least 2 miles away from me while you discharge. 😉
My god this made me laugh, well done, great post 🙂
I was once a terrible snorter, got better after I quit smoking. And I’m a loud and proud sonic-sneezer, I know it’s wrong but god I love a big loud sneeze, I once did seven in a row, felt (and sounded) amazing!
Liked and followed, thanks for sharing 🙂
Rohan.
Your seven long, loud sonic sneezes, didn’t happen to occur around the same time as the start of Hurricane Sandy, did they?! Just saying.
Hahaha, storm force nostrils! I’d better be more careful from now on
My dad is a snorter as well. I call it snarfling, because he sounds like he’s bringing up a loogey as well as taking what’s in his nose and moving it elsewhere. The thought of that sound right now is making me nauseous. It is something that grosses me out a lot, to the point that when men do it in public, I make an ugly face and usually say something crass.
I’m with you. I have a reflex “URGH!” that precedes the hand reaching for the cattle prod. I make very little secret of the fact it’s utterly repugnant and punishable by several volts up the bum.
Definitely.
It’s all because of ME! No, not the dribbly nose thing: the recognition thing. I became a follower of your blog, recognized your talent and humor before the WordPress guys did. Congratulations on being a phenom on Freshly Pressed!
And don’t forget who your friends are….
I owe it all to those who were with me from the ground floor. *sob* I’d like to thank my mother, the cleaning lady at work, but most of all, ME!
😉
I confess, I confess! I’m a shouter. What can I do?
I’ll tell you what you can do – SHHH! 😉
Easier said than done…but I’ll try. 🙂
I travelled with a friend who sniffed for hours on end. She refused to blow as wiping her nose would have ruined her expertly applied make up. We no longer travel together.
If you have to spend time with her again, throw water all over her, then offer her a teeny tiny tissue. That should give her some perspective.
Don’t forget the Ones Who Blow Their Noses Into Their Dining Napkins. The cloth ones. The waitstaff deserves an ENORMOUS tip.
I just hope these people forget which side they used and wipe their mouths after.
Nice to see you again! So funny 🙂
It’s nice to be seen again! 🙂
Hilarious! and nice way to categorize too! Keep it coming
Thanks, I’ll try! 🙂
A funny blog about boogers…I love it! Wasn’t so funny during all the years I was teaching middle school kids, though…saw more than my share of all your above mentioned characters!! Where was your cattle-prod then, huh???
Children are utterly vile. Anyone who has to work with them should be given full training in the swift art of cattle prodding.
Thank you! I accept the training, since I’m still working with kids! Ha!
Oh last year’s cold season… what a nightmare. I was sick for two months straight. I ended up losing my voice and coughing so much (which can be another pet peeve, but unfortunately coughing is really, really hard to control. Trust me, I’ve tried.), to the point that my abdominal muscles and my ribs hurt and were sore from the amount of coughing that was going on (and it was interfering with my sleep. I felt so bad for my roommates). I sounded like I was dying and it took my voice about a month to recover, so I got to talk with a really sexy rasp. It didn’t help me that I was surrounded by preschoolers at the time every day, which in my opinion are the worst offenders when it comes to spreading snot since they have no concept of germs and what they are.
I spent 5 weeks with bronchitis, I can relate to the intense ab and rib work out. I’m not sure I can blame children for my illness though, but I’ll try!
I so relate to the shouter. I work with one – I guess she didn’t get enough attention as a child so everything she does is overexaggerated. Talk about nerve plucking!
There are 3 major culprits in my office, each with their own unique style, each more annoying than the other. I agree re the damaged childhood, but instead of psychological therapy, how about cattle prod therapy?!
I know, right??
When I was on the tube this summer I experienced all these nasties. Just blow your nose!
Ah yes, the tube has all these delights and many, many more. Don’t forget to tell your friends!
HAHAHA “pick me a winner!” My mother used to tell that to me and my siblings! NOSTALGIA ALERT! ~ nerdwithtaste.wordpress.com
Sounds like your mother was a cheerleader for the knuckle-deep games!
Hahaha more like a player in the nose-high band. Meh, that wasn’t as good! (: (: (: ~nerdwithtaste.wordpress.com
We could always find my dad by his sneeze at the back of any big box store. He was shouter. On the other hand, there is squeaker in our office who I swear does it for the attention. I heard that there is a gene that determines how many times you sneeze when the irresistible urge hits. I always sneeze twice; my husband should pull over to the side of the road when he sneezes 10 times at the least. Our children follow one or the other of us.
Your post is so true. Ugh!
We had a squeaker. She would squeak 5 times in a row before ending with a higher pitched squeak crescendo, several times a day. I’m not saying it bears any relation but she’s no longer employed by my company.
LOL, I’m sick and I have a stuffy nose as I’m writing this comment. I’m sad to say that at this moment, I’m all of the above (with the exception of eating my boogers, of course).
I hope you don’t take my train, or that if you do, you wear cattle prod-proof undercrackers! 😉
LOL… A blog that is so hilarious and so able-to-relate kind
So glad you enjoyed. 🙂
It’s funny that you mention about the nose picking because I just saw an episode of QI where Stephen Fry was commenting on how we absolutely should not be picking our noses and why – I guess he just doesn’t know 😉 As for other offenders we seem to have a lot of what I would call fumigators in my office, people who come in sick (even though we have paid sick leave) and then sneeze every where so that everyone else gets sick too, it’s so thoughtful!
You’re so right, these people think they’re doing us all a favour by dragging themselves into work when actually, they would be far more popular if they didn’t contaminate the entire place with their bubonic plague and pitiful moaning.