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Putting the Me in ‘ME’rry Christmas

I am spending Christmas Day alone. Before you drown out the Christmas carols with the sound of a thousand tortured violins, please be assured that I am happy about this, nay, delighted. I am delighted to be spending Christmas alone. Except, I’m not alone, because there are more than a few of us out there doing our own thing on our own, but together, alone. If you know what I mean.

I’m looking forward to my Christmas Day pour une. I don’t always look forward to the festivities, and that’s because other people and their pity get in the way with their “oh you can’t possibly spend the day on your own, I shall be miserable just thinking about you!” – well, “you” might be miserable, but I certainly won’t. The fact you may not be able to tolerate your own company doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy mine very much, thank you. Quite frankly, the fact you can’t stand your own company reaffirms why I might do very well to avoid it too.

Christmas is a time for spending with your family, or so I’m told. In fact, I was told just this morning by the dear security henchman outside Evil Corps Towers where I work. My reply to him is my reply to all of you – why, when I have spent all year avoiding my beloved relatives would I choose to be trapped with them now? Every waking day I am free to live as I please and to be the vulgar, tasteless disappointment that I am, so what earthly pleasure could I possibly derive from being trapped (quite literally, thank you Christmas train timetables) in a stress-filled environment that requires all the tact, decorum and fortitude of an unconscious nun?

But what about the children? What about the sharing and caring? And well you might ask. I share and care enough of the year, on days that suit those I care and share with. As for the children, well, I was sensible enough to choose not to have any of the little blighters, so I don’t see why I should be made to suffer other people’s when they’re smacked up on chocolate coins and gift wrap fumes.

My fridge is stocked with the exactly what I wish to find in it – no compromise on what cheese “we” have, no unexpected missing last of anything. My TV schedule has but a few things circled and before I watch each one, I shall breathe in the moment of pure silence, devoid of bickering or grandparental rank-pulling. I may be drunk by 09:00 and napping by noon – I may just stay in bed until the sheets are thoroughly soiled; after all, it’s my day to do with as I see unfit.

All those who gleefully packed their overnight bags and headed “home” – I ask you, where do you live the rest of the year? Do you hop about aimlessly on potting shed roofs and behind bins? Hang on, that’s pigeons, isn’t it. Anyway, my point being, home is where I live and where my mother lives is her home, and somewhere I have never taken dirty laundry. I hear you all now, suffering the garish bed spread on the single lumpy mattress in the draughty spare room – weeping into your pillow as you’ve been denied more than a thimble of Baileys (the rest is for when Aunty Beryl gets here and don’t you think you’ve had enough?!) and told in no uncertain terms that your 38-year-old boyfriend must sleep in the living room with the cousins.

Not more than half an hour after arriving”home”, the realisation that your independence has been severed and your internet access more so, you’re hanging off cliff edges furtively sneaking out a few swear-riddled text messages and smoking the cigarettes you promised you’d quit 4 years ago. Meanwhile, I shall be asking myself if I would like another chocolate from the selection box and oh look, all my favourites are still there.

Before you go assuming this is some brave face painted atop the gloom of a lonely soul, I promise you I did have invites, some more desirable than others. The less desirable were steeped in pity, eager to save me from a fate worse than enjoying myself so I could sit among a family I barely know, whose traditions and lively intimacy leave nothing but the chill of alienation. Thanks, but I’d rather spend the day face down in the gusset of a particularly unsavoury tramp. As for the more desirable offers, well, quite frankly, I lied like a cheap watch so I wouldn’t have to share my cheese.

Anyway, I won’t really be alone. Whilst gorging on gourmet cheese and guilt-free smugness, I have a cat to torment.

Ho ho Whore Cat

 

MErry Christmas.

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About prettyfeetpoptoe

I live in London and have both my own legs so I am fortunate enough to get out and about on occasion. I form many views on the things that I see and do and love nothing better than a session of linguistic gymnastics in order to share these views.

25 responses »

  1. It sounds like a lovely day!! Merry Christmas.

    Reply
  2. @Halfbeaks

    Sending this to everyone having a go at me for spending Christmas alone!

    Reply
  3. Your cat looks very pleased. I totally get you; my family is awful and I’d rather not ruin the day by spending it with them. Happy Holidays and have some cheese for me!

    Reply
  4. emelinebeltran

    Enjoy yourself! Merry Christmas 🙂

    Reply
  5. Luckily, most of my family is dead now and the rest live far away. Tormenting cats is the TRUE meaning in Christmas.

    Reply
  6. and why not indeed……. merry xmas…. 😀

    Reply
  7. Why not? It’s Christmas, do what you want!
    In the nicest possible way, I spent Christmas yesterday with my partner’s family and although it was very lovely to be included etc etc, after we’d been there for 12 hours and I was STILL expected to entertain the 6 year old, I was starting to feel my eyelid twitch.
    Thus, when I was asked if I wanted to join in the Boxing Day festivities for what will no doubt be ANOTHER 12 hours of mindless small talk, I politely declined to spend the day at home, and my partner, bless him, knew not to try and convince him otherwise.

    Happy holidays!

    Reply
  8. My cat would never be so cooperative – what catnip did you use? (giggles)
    Christmas should be what you want.
    Once the Christmas mania starts here, I always swear I’m going to run far away until it all gets back to normal – just too crazy.
    Hope your “In-Between Holdiays Week” restful and fun ( and those do too go together!)

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  9. Hope you had a grand Christmas day…

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  10. Finally! Somebody who voiced out their desire to be alone sometimes. i’m surrounded by too many people who are too insecure and afraid to be alone at all and this is such a breath of fresh air. I love your writing!

    Reply
  11. I also spend Christmas day alone, or at least make an attempt. My extended family do not seem to understand me when I say it’s a Christmas present I give to myself, and am usually guilted into breakfasting with them before having a day similar to what you described. After years of teary-eyed invites from one of my friends I finally explained it to her in a way she can understand. Christmas is now a day that is completely my own. No one wants or needs me for anything because everyone has some other thing going on. It is the one day per year I can truly decompress, and it is fantastic. I hope you had an excellent Christmas and a very happy New Year!!

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  12. My dilemma is that I only get food if I participate in festivities, hence I have no choice 🙂

    http://whenthemaskslips.wordpress.com/

    Reply
  13. Yay! Fun…peaceful and quiet. Cute little story indeed. Thank you!💕

    Reply
  14. I spent my first Christmas alone in forever and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was peaceful, restful and I did what I wanted when I wanted not dancing to anyones tune but my own. Now next year will be with family but I think I will intersperse a “on my own” Christmas with the family ones.

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  15. Perfect. My best ever holidays have been those spent with just one or two close friends far far away from the chaos of the “tradtional.” Hope you enjoyed it as much as you expected too and that the cat was drunk by 9 with you… eggs, cream and bourbon, a cat’s dream…

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  16. falling_tree

    Haha I thought this was funny especially your cat!!!! I followed you via wordpress because your posts are cool 🙂

    Reply
  17. …you brought up many valid points and live more honestly than most of us

    Reply
  18. My family were mostly dead by the time I was 16 so I’ve had no choice but to spend many Xmases alone. You don’t know how lucky you are to have family who want you around at Xmas. Appreciate your family while you have them. They won’t be around forever

    Reply
  19. Wow looking at that Cat! he look like santa clause haha!

    I wish i have 1 pet like that!

    Katy Perry Vs Taylor Swift
    iPhone 6S Tips/Tricks

    Reply
  20. YESSSS , sometimes its fun to be alone in your own company . Its commonly believed that people who don’t like to be alone and run away from loneliness are those who don’t like themselves. So if you like and love yourself ,enjoy the ” me time ”.

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  21. Love, love love your attitude, your humour, and most of all your decision to spend Christmas alone… Yeah!!! I would if I could, but I’m hog tied, have to invite my brother, and a friend who insists that there’s something darkly disturbing about my attitude to the jovial festivities. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas but for me? I’d love to spend it on a narrow boat, alone, .. Strange aren’t I? Sigh!!

    Reply
  22. Like you, I prefer to spend Xmas alone. I don’t exchange cards or presents. I’m an atheist, so it’s hypocritical to me to do otherwise. The pity I receive when I tell people this baffles me.

    I’ve been bullied into spending the day with other people when I was younger and more polite. I felt like a cuckoo in the nest, particularly when folk got tipsy and old arguments rose to the surface. Nobody needs to be around that kind of awkwardness.

    As far as I’m concerned, Xmas is just another day. I’m alone the other 364 days of the year, including my birthday. What makes 25 December any different? I’ll do what I do the rest of the year; watch TV of my choosing, eat food of my choosing and talk to my friends on Twitter. Sounds good to me.

    Enjoy your day. x

    Reply
  23. I have only just read this. Thank you for summing up my feelings more eloquently than I ever could

    Reply

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