My dear Miss Poptoe
People will start talking about us as I have recently been infected with your predilection for shoe shopping, though I must remind you that I cannot share your taste for vertiginous heels since it would require me to be transported in a bath chair should I adopt them, and apart from the supportive arm of an attendant young man, I do prefer to be self sufficient.
To explain my unwonted surge in interest in footwear, I should remind you that my feet are, let us not be coy, generously proportioned – as my dear Papa would often remark, ground covering marching equipment that would not disgrace a regimental sergeant major, or conversely, estimable pedestals on which to balance when facing the vicissitudes with which life would undoubtedly batter me.
As I have matured, I find that my feet seem to be arranged further and further from my arms’ reach, and it struck me that I might be obliged to call on the services of a farrier to deal with my cratered and leathery heels and horny toe nails. But instead I discovered the delights of a local day spa, that for a very reasonable sum attended to my feet without recourse to a leather aproned smith brandishing an anvil, file and hammer.
Here I discovered that I could recline in comfort sipping cups of tea, whilst a young person rasped, clipped and filed any superfluous skin and keratin, and to my astonishment, not only massaged my extremities with fragrant unguents, but painted my nails with a colour of my choice. Initially I selected a demure shade of insignificance, but now I am working my way through eye-searing cerises and wanton harlot reds. Sadly, because of the inclement weather, this magnificence has been shrouded under thermal hosiery and doughty boots, but with the emergence of spring sunshine I was inspired to search the town’s emporia for some more seasonal footwear. To my surprise and delight I was offered such a selection of toe revealing loveliness that not only pleased my aesthetic senses, but encompassed the bounds of my feet (they fitted), that I felt obliged to make a bulk purchase, and I can now flaunt my pedicures to the astonished world.
Yours, with twinkling toes,
Mrs Cholmondeley Warner