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Mrs Cholmondeley-Warner’s Twinkle Toes (guest contribution)

Photobooth portrait of woman with short hair.

Mrs Cholmondeley-Warner; large of vocabulary, larger of foot

My dear Miss Poptoe

People will start talking about us as I have recently been infected with your predilection for shoe shopping, though I must remind you that I cannot share your taste for vertiginous heels since it would require me to be transported in a bath chair should I adopt them, and apart from the supportive arm of an attendant young man, I do prefer to be self sufficient.

To explain my unwonted surge in interest in footwear, I should remind you that my feet are, let us not be coy, generously proportioned – as my dear Papa would often remark, ground covering marching equipment that would not disgrace a regimental sergeant major, or conversely, estimable pedestals on which to balance when facing the vicissitudes with which life would undoubtedly batter me.

As I have matured, I find that my feet seem to be arranged further and further from my arms’ reach, and it struck me that I might be obliged to call on the services of a farrier to deal with my cratered and leathery heels and horny toe nails. But instead I discovered the delights of a local day spa, that for a very reasonable sum attended to my feet without recourse to a leather aproned smith brandishing an anvil, file and hammer.

Here I discovered that I could recline in comfort sipping cups of tea, whilst a young person rasped, clipped and filed any superfluous skin and keratin, and to my astonishment, not only massaged my extremities with fragrant unguents, but painted my nails with a colour of my choice. Initially I selected a demure shade of insignificance, but now I am working my way through eye-searing cerises and wanton harlot reds.  Sadly, because of the inclement weather, this magnificence has been shrouded under thermal hosiery and doughty boots, but with the emergence of spring sunshine I was inspired to search the town’s emporia for some more seasonal footwear. To my surprise and delight I was offered such a selection of toe revealing loveliness that not only pleased my aesthetic senses, but encompassed the bounds of my feet (they fitted), that I felt obliged to make a bulk purchase, and I can now flaunt my pedicures to the astonished world.

Yours, with twinkling toes,

Mrs Cholmondeley Warner

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About prettyfeetpoptoe

I live in London and have both my own legs so I am fortunate enough to get out and about on occasion. I form many views on the things that I see and do and love nothing better than a session of linguistic gymnastics in order to share these views.

12 responses »

  1. Your applied science towards this post conjures memories of ‘Viz’s Victorian Dad.’ Boggles the mind but tickles the senses. Cheers.

    Reply
    • Mrs Cholmondeley Warner

      My dear thing, I only aim to please and perhaps add to the culture as well as the gaiety of the nation.

      Reply
  2. She’s class. End of

    Reply
  3. Don’t worry, she is good; you are much better!

    Reply
  4. We want to let you know that our blog has been nominated for the Versatile Blogger award. Since we love your blog with its outlandish, funny, and sarcastic approach to London life, we are citing it as one of our favourite blogs. Cheers!

    Reply
    • Mrs Cholmondeley Warner

      My dear thing, I am delighted to hear of the success of your blog. I think in the delirium of your excitement you have confused Miss Poptoe with myself…she is indeed the idiosyncratic recorder of life in the metropolis, whereas I merely pass ocassional remarks on my obscure rural backwater.

      Reply

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