Dear Father Christmas,
I’ve been a good girl this year, truly I have. Well, for the most part. I mean, sure I pointed and laughed at that old man who slipped and fell over in the street last month, but I didn’t stop passing traffic and encourage them to join in like I normally would and, well, he made one of those hilarious squawking noises as he went over and he landed in a dog egg so that was really a glowing example of restraint on my part.
I may not have willingly donated to charity this year and, yes, I have mocked and taunted the chuggers collecting money for the NSPCC in the High Street by telling them I support child labour, but I seriously think that tolerating some of my friends could easily be classed as charity work and in some cases, could actually qualify me for canonisation. You’ve seen the way that some of them dress, right?
I may have
got so drunk my ears bled every weekend had a few tipples now and again but seriously St Nick, people in glass houses and all that. I think we both know why you’re always so “jolly”. Let’s say no more, eh?
Ok, so I’ve told a few lies this year but I think you and I can both agree that some lies are good, like when Mrs Claus tells you that she still finds you sexually attractive in that ridiculous red Coca Cola suit thing and not that you look like a bloated cranberry with a tramp’s facial topiary. Also, there was seriously no way I was going to own up to that fart in the office because, well, who wants to be known as the girl who can melt concrete with her botty-coughs? I think we can chalk that one up as an extreme circumstance, don’t you?
On the whole I am a wonderfully honest person and I think there are several people out there who have benefited greatly from my own special brand of truth. Certain people need to be told that their conversational skills leave me wanting to boil my own head in honey and wear a wasp’s nest as a hat, it’s really for their own good. Oh, and that girl at the cosmetics counter may have been in floods of tears back then but I bet you that by now she is actually grateful for my valuable make-up application tips. (Remind me to find out if having a face like a “prolapsed clown vagina” is actually a medical condition before I use it in conversation again.)
You can’t deny that I have applied myself whole heartedly to the conservation of the planet in 2011. I’ve managed not to have any children and I’ve done my best to eat and wear as many animals that would otherwise have ruined precious forests and plants. Oh, and I’ve skipped showering for days at a time more than once – that’s got to be a triple point score!
Anyway, like I said, I’ve been a very good girl this year and you know I never ask for much. I am in no way fussy and I’m always grateful, so I would like to humbly ask you for just one thing. This year, please, dear Santa Claus…
…keep the receipt.
Pretty Feet Pop Toe